Sierra's View: 10 Things Young Married Women Who Aren't Having Babies Want You To Know.

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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

10 Things Young Married Women Who Aren't Having Babies Want You To Know.

Come on, guys. You had to know that something along these lines was coming soon, right? It's been awhile since I've really spoke about the things that frustrate me. (Is it bad to admit that there are quite a few things?) 
I am all about the real on this blog, if you haven't figured that out already. 
And there is something that I think needs to be said. 

"How long have you been married?"
"When are you planning on having children?"
I can't even tell you how many times I have heard these questions. I think people are, mostly,  just trying to make conversation. And I understand that. I am not offended by it at all. I am not going to change where I live or my religion because of it. Over the past few weeks, however, this topic has been on my mind.
Recently, I have had a few pregnancy scares. I hate calling them scares, because it has such a negative connotation to it, but, I told you I was going to be honest. So here is the honest truth: I don't want to be pregnant. This is not to say that I don't EVER want to be pregnant. Just, at this time of my life, that is not what I have in mind. Now, I understand that the Big Guy Upstairs sometimes has different plans. And I will follow with that plan wholeheartedly when the time comes, but my agency comes into play here and that's the truth. So, I was scared. I was scared that this next step of my life was beginning before I was ready. I was scared that I hadn't lost the weight that I wanted to before the we chose to start a family. I was scared that I would have to stop teaching.
And I felt guilty.
I felt guilty because I was scared.
Isn't that wrong?
I shouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling that way.
And I realized that the guilt that was overpassing me was a multitude of many things: the pressure I feel from my culture, the loss of letting go of one part of my life, etc.
That guilt then turned into thinking. A lot of thinking.
Which, has, then come here. My haven for my thoughts.

My last intention is to offend anyone who has decided (or not decided and got some surprise!) babies. I am sorry if you feel that way. Everyone gets to decide when, how, and where they want to have their babies. That is the beauty of being a human in this world. I think it is, also, simply wonderful. I am currently sitting next to my dear friend who is 21 who has a baby. Yes, that's young. But guess what? Good for her. I love her and her baby. 
There are so many benefits to having children young. Your body can recover so much quicker, you have more energy, you are not as set in your ways. I think young mothers are awesome. 
With that being said, I think it's time that us young married women without babies to speak up. Or maybe, well, I just want to speak up. 

1. We Ain't No Followers.
I would get mad at my students for the grammatical error if they wrote that. But, it just works right now, okay? Let me have it.
Just because there is pressure does not mean that we will follow it.
Yes, I am aware that I live in an LDS culture and thus means there is pressure to have lots of kids. Having children very young is more prevalent in the area that I live. However, I have many friends who are engaged, married and have young kids who are not LDS. I think that whether you are super religious or not, there is pressure to have children quickly.
I think it is FANTASTIC that these women, who are good, faithful, kind women want to bring children in the world. You all are doing amazing things.
I also want to point out that this pressure I feel isn't necessarily anyone's fault.
A lot of times I don't feel any specific pressure from one person. In fact, often, people don't even say things, but it's the pressure that I just feel from around me. I look around and see everyone pregnant and a little thing in my head, naturally, goes, "Wait…should I be doing that too?" I think it's human nature. But I have to remember that every family is different. And we don't have to start ours just because everyone else is.

2. Having No Children Does Not Mean We are Less Busy. 
I love my career. Being a 6th grade teacher, I spend about 50 hours a week, prepping, grading, planning in my classroom. I think about my "babies" in my class all of the time. I work my butt off as my job. I work my butt off in my church. I work my butt off on my personal self. I work my butt off to live a lively, worthwhile life. Just because there are no children in my life does not mean I just sit around and do nothing. I am very busy…it's just a different kind of busy.
One of my biggest pet peeves is not being taken seriously in my family. This is something that I have expressed to them countless times. I feel like, in a way, that people assume that I am less busy just because I don't have children. And it's frustrating. Yes, I understand that I don't understand the exhaustion that comes from having a newborn, or the constant worry about if your children are doing what they are supposed to. But I am busy with what I am doing in my life now. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

3. We still like children.
Oh man. If you could only fathom how much I love children.
Every morning I have to say hi to the little ones at school because they are just so innocent and cute. They are so themselves and it's such a wonderful thing. I love my nieces and nephews, cousins, in laws, etc. So much that, in fact, some days I'd rather spend time with kids than adults.
I love babies.
I love children.
Lots of love.

4. Some Of Us Take Care of Other Things; Just Not Babies. 
Like I stated before, I am constantly taking care of my students often.
I take care of my puppy.
I take care of my young women.
I take care of my neighbors, friends, and family checking in with on a regular basis.
I take care of my husband (er, clean up after him!). Let's be honest, he's sort of like a kid, right?
I don't just think of myself all of the time. As much as it may seem that way, I don't.

5. Having Children After a Couple Years of Marriage Will Not Make Me a Worse Mother.
That's all I have to say about that.
Having a baby after 2 months of marriage doesn't mean you'll be a terrible mother.
Having a baby after ten years doesn't mean you'll be a terrible mother.
I think we all just try our best. I really do.
And I don't think us not having children now will deter me from being a loving, available, fantastic mother.

6. We can still be nurturing, loving women.
As some of you may now, I feel things so deeply. I love people more than anything in the world (and sometimes I can't stand anything less than people! But that's besides the point). I love my family, nieces, nephews, in laws, husband, doggy (excuse me…our puppy child….oh wait, we do have a child! I forgot!), my students, my coworkers, my ward family, my young women, so incredibly much. I am, naturally, a pretty nurturing person. Just because I don't have a baby to nurture does not mean that these qualities are not possessed in me. I show them in many, many different sources in my life. How wonderful that this is something that I can work on now, huh?

7. Mid Twenties is still young.
I turn 24 next week.
In Mormon world, that's normal time to have a baby.
In Nonmormon world, I should just be getting into a serious relationship; MAYBE thinking about marriage.
Guess what. I do what I want. And that's the beauty of it.
I'm young. I got many baby making years ahead of me.

8. The decision to have a baby is incredibly personal.
You don't know the reasons why people are not having children.
They could be struggling in their marriage, they could be trying for three years and you have no idea. Someone could be struggling with mental illness. There are a million different reasons why a couple may not have children. It is not our place to judge and it is not our place to even ask.

9. We are not selfish because we choose to wait to have children.
Some may, ask: "Well, do you just like…want to travel and stuff…."
Yes. Thats exactly right. T Money and I are SUPER young. We have our whole lives ahead of us. There are things that we want and NEED to do before we have children. I want to keep teaching. Tanner has six years of school left. We have a long journey ahead of us. We are in no hurry.
With that being said, I don't believe that makes us selfish. In fact, I think that makes us selfless in some ways.
I want to be an emotionally available mother.  I want to be available to my children in all facets. There are some things that I believe I need to learn before a little one is in my arms. I have felt that feeling from the Lord and from the knowledge of understanding myself. I am not ready. And what a blessing to know that the little one will come when we (God, Tanner and I) all know I am ready.

10. We will have children at some point.
And even someone chooses not to have them…guess what? That's okay, too.
I cannot wait to have the opportunity to be a mother. I hope one day that I can be the same loyal, hardworking mother as I am in my career.  I cannot wait to have children. But I don't think that anyone has the right to judge how or when someone makes that decision..
When the time comes, whether that being tomorrow or in three years or in ten years, I love that it's a personal decision between me, my husband and the Lord. And I will open my heart completely when that step comes.  (Watch….I'll be pregnant next month! Zing! hahaha).
But for now. I am so happy with where I'm at :)


  1. YES. I love everything about this post. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I'm turning 30 this month and my daughter is 7 months old. We were married 4 years when she was born. Even though I'm a mother now, I remember having some of these EXACT feelings!

  3. I wrote a post a while back about things you shouldn't say to someone who isn't a mother. I definitely agree with all of this.

  4. THANK YOU! Although I'm not married, we've been together for five years and if I have to go through one more family event with someone nudging either of us and saying "you'll be next!" or "I'm not getting any younger, you know! Where are those grandbabies?" I think I will literally scream. Its none of their damn business! Rant over.

  5. this is an interesting view, everybody insists that people should have family and children are necessary for a marriage

  6. yes yes yes. Tim is 26 and I'm 24. We are not elderly. Plenty of time to have babies. Like you said, it is super conflicting when one culture is telling me to hurry and have a baby and the other thinks I'm weird for even being married.

  7. I swear--it absolutely doesn't matter what stage you're at in life, people ask questions about it. It's human nature. If you're single, it's "When are you getting married?" If you're married, it's "When are you having babies?" If you have a bunch of babies, like my parents did, it's "Why do you have so many kids?" Sometimes questions seem a little rude--and I live in a culture which finds even more sorts of questions, like "How much money do you make?" completely acceptable...but it's not worth it to find them annoying.
    Like you said, it is VERY possible to be a wife with no children and still absolutely love and be very, very good at taking care of children. I just turned 23--my husband is 30, and the desire for children is strong but China would not be my ideal place to give birth, so we'll probably we waiting. I do think there's a lot of benefit to having children young--I've known some couples who got married older and waited to try to have children till they were in their upper 30s or 40s and were very sad when they couldn't. I definitely believe God has a plan and a purpose for even the babies that parents aren't quite "ready" for--it would be scary but a baby is probably the best kind of scare there is.

  8. Just like when people ask me why I only have 3. Nobody knows our circumstances and it's none of their business. I love it when I see young married couples take their time. I also love it when I see young married couples have babies! To each their own! You rock!!

  9. Love this - love reading everything you write :). We had Master Wade reasonably fast (was I ready? Not really. But we were "ready") - after a year of marriage. And we got married fast. While my brother and sister in-law waited 3 years to get married and another 3 to get prego. They've definitely judged us for taking the quick route...which is so annoying! No matter the speed or way the road goes, people need to go their pace!! Husband and I just like to sprint at life!

  10. this post is my LIFE. I just agree with it all. I told my husband (who really wants kids) that I want to go to Europe before we have kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with that! I actually am terrible with children and I don't really enjoy them, but I know it's all apart of God's plan and that one day I will love it so I'm just trusting that he will be faithful and change my heart! HA and I also have had many pregnancy scares lately...too many. too real.

  11. LOVE this!!!! I agree with every single point for one reason or another. So true and so good!

  12. Along those same lines, I will be 36 at the end of the year and all of my friends are married and done having children. I thought I would be someone who was married at 21, spent 4-5 years in the newlywed phase, then started a family in my later 20s. I used to want five kids but the number has dwindled with each year. At this point, I will be lucky to get one and call it good. You are living my dream!

  13. To be honest, I was ready to get defensive as I have had to these past few weeks because of rude and unnecessary comments have been made to me and my husband about us getting pregnant. But everything said was point on... And I think unbiased. I think its easy for people to judge others who decide to wait to have children... Which is an awful thing because every situation is different. Whether they choose to wait or are forced to wait is very circumstantial to their own situation. I also think its unnecessary to judge those who have children quick... Which is what I've learned by being surprise, pregnant! I think people need to be careful with comments like "wow, you wasted no time" or "already???" And "don't you want to have your time together alone?" Yes. To all of the questions. But it still hurts every time someone asks them... Because it brings guilt because I want time alone with my husband, or think this is too quick... When in the end, when I cancel all the over thinking or the hurtful comments or questions from friends and get my feelings hurt because they don't reply, I know this was the Lord's plan for me, and His timing is different than ours. Their judgments aren't the ones that matter in the end. Same for people who choose or have to wait... Have faith. Don't get discouraged. Sorry if this made no sense... Morning sickness while trying to write is the worst;)
    Loved this post Sierra. It wasn't offensive at all.

    1. Nah, people will judge either way. I became pregnant super quickly after getting married and got a ton of judgment for that. Now I get judged because I might be done having kids after just the one. I got married at 25 and I got judged because I was so "old" in Utah Mormons' opinions. There will always be judgment from people that see only parts of your life. It's more about letting it go and doing your thing without thinking of what others may be saying about you.

  14. It doesn't end when you start having kids! Then, it will be "why did you wait so long?" or "why did you start having kids so fast?" If you choose to not teach while you have kids, people will question that. If you choose to teach while you have kids, people will question that. I've learned to just brush it off and assume that people are just wondering and thinking the best about me and my choices. There's no right way to do things, and as long as you're doing what's right for you, that's all that counts! You go girl!

  15. My husband of 5 years and I wanted kids earlier in our marriage, but they didn't come to use when we "planned". We dealt with infertility for a little over 3 years and now have our beautiful son!! We wouldn't trade those years together for anything, it was a great time for just us two. Live it up and enjoy. I really feel like this post wouldn't even be necessary if you lived in a different part of the country ya know? "that area" you speak of is filled with that type of pressure,pressure to marry, kids, for women not to work.... You just BE who YOU ARE and everything will be alright :)

  16. Oh where do I begin with this?! I am 25 have been married for five years, and not only have I felt this (esp. lately) but I have also felt kind of ostracized by woman my age because I don't have children yet. It is like they think I don't want to hang out with them because they are moms? Or they think we don't have anything in common because I am not a mom? I haven't really figured it out yet but it has hurt my feelings, as dumb as that sounds. Honestly if I had told myself when I first got married that I wouldn't be a mother by the time I was 25 I would have been a little surprised, it wasn't my original plan... but life sometimes has different plans for us and people shouldn't judge or care what we are doing! All I can say is I have learned you will know when you know, just like meeting the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Every year when the topic of children has come up the answer was always, "not yet" for us. We will know when it is right, and so you will you two :) PS Enjoy being married with no kids right now ;) XO

  17. ....Plus, people need to be more careful. After having a sister and sister-in-law go through infertility, sometimes people aren't realizing what a sensitive and personal question they are asking!

  18. Yes, yes, yes to all of these. I am 25 and have been married for five years and people won't stop pestering me. I get the part about school husband is in medical school, and I am supporting him financially through it so it would be really hard for me to have kids now. I just wish people would mind their own business and not ask. :)

  19. You're so awesome haha. "Guess what? I do what I want." Absolutely 100%!

  20. I really like this post. But you know, being a teacher is a great career to be in for a mother! All my life my mom taught. It was the best. She got finished with work around the same time we got home from school. She had weekends off. She had summers off. Our holidays were the same. The ability to work and be a mother is part of why I chose to pursue a major in elementary education. So when you do get around to having kiddos, just remember that :)

  21. You said everything I want to say! You are a girl after my own heart. I hate all the unsolicited advice that people feel they needed to give. Can't we still just live and let live? Anyway, I lived this post. Thanks.

  22. What a wonderful post! I have written on the subject a couple of times. The unsolicited advice from people outside of my marriage is absolutely insane! I already have a daughter who turns three in two months, and I keep hearing from EVERYWHERE that this is the time to have the other one. Excuse me, but no. The time to have another one is when my husband and I decide to have one. IF we ever decide we want another one. I am on the fence, kids are hard, but still... it's no one's business, this is my sex life, which is sacred. Anyway, rant over! haha, thank you for your beautifully written post.

  23. Love love LOVE this! My husband and I have been married for just over a year, and as of last week we are the only married couple (on both sides of our family) without children. Waiting to have kids doesn't mean I don't want to be a mom, and it definitely doesn't make me any less capable of being a mom. Just because we don't have children doesn't mean I will have no idea how to raise kids or how to be a parent, it just means we want to wait! I know people mean well, but it can be kind of frustrating. The points you made were so fantastic and so relatable. Yes! It's even to the point that when people ask us when we're going to have kids I say, "Oh, we've decided we add another year on every time somebody asks us. I think you make 15 years now. :) " but really. Thank you so much for sharing!

  24. I totally love and agree with this. I always get uncomfortable when people ask me about babies, because I don't want one right now. Definitely in the future, but not right now. To me its an incredibly personal question.

  25. Take your time girl! You have it right! I'm 34 and pregnant with my second baby. I enjoyed my single and married life as long as possible before adding kiddos. I still enjoy it, but it's VERY different, so I'm glad I just took my time! :)

  26. LOVE THIS. My husband and I have only been married for 3 months, and everyone is always asking us about kids. We're still in our twenties and I firmly believe I'm to selfish to have kids right now. I like sleeping in on the weekends, I like being able to leave at the drop of the hat for a long weekend with my husband.. I like being able to look at the openness of the next year or so without having to also pencil in play dates and nap times.. I like that I'm the only one he comes home to and hugs and is affectionate toward (and our dog). I know eventually the "honeymoon" phase will end and these things I'll out grow, but for now I'm tired of people expecting me to be with child since "well you're married now" apparently equals having children.

  27. haha! love this and definitely agree! making babies is such a personal thing that you AND your husband have to be ready to jump into. and when the time comes, you will be such a great mama!! xo


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