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Monday, November 19, 2018

Georgia Kay: Birth Story and Meaning of Name

Pregnancy Journey post here 

Georgia Kay 
November 12, 2018 4:05 am 
7 lbs 6 oz and 20.5 inches 

As I look back at these pictures, I am seriously brought to tears. The overwhelming love that happens when you birth a child is truly indescribable. I know the hormones are flowing and the exhaustion is so overwhelming that I feel like I could cry at anything right now (I may or may not have cried when I left to go to Walmart for fifteen minutes on her third day alive!), but these pictures made me even more emotional. 

This birth story went very differently than I imagined it would go. 
It was Sunday night. I was scheduled to be induced on Monday morning at 6 am because baby girl was a week overdue (longest week of my life!). During the weekend, I was getting flu-like symptoms. I was achy, throwing up, nauseated and had diarrhea. 
I was doing research and it said that some people have these signs a few days before labor, so even though I felt terrible, I had a feeling that meant baby was coming soon. I was at family dinner with my family and I was starting to feel some pain. I got home and started to feel contractions. The contractions were about 4-5 minutes apart after about an hour so T and I headed into the hospital around 9:00 pm. Once in the hospital, they monitored me because I was only dilated to a 1 1/2. After monitoring me for an hour and walking around for 45 minutes (through awful contractions), I hadn't made any progress, so they sent me home. I was livid! I was coming back the next morning to get induced!! 
I headed home and, well, you guessed it, my contractions were getting significantly worse. I took a few baths and sat on a yoga ball. I found that I couldn't sit to work through the contractions, though. The best way for me to work through the contractions was standing up and rocking. Even though the contractions were getting worse, I just assumed that I wasn't making enough progress because at the hospital, after two hours, I hadn't. I didn't want to head back to the hospital just to have them send me home again, so I waited it out for a little bit. But, eventually, the contractions were getting so painful and close together (like 1-2 minutes apart), that I was crying and screaming out loud. Before I knew it, my water broke.
So, obviously, we rushed to the hospital. Once I was there and they checked me in, I had dilated to a 7 (almost an 8!!). I had dilated from a 1 1/2 to a 7 in about 3 hours!! So, essentially, I did all of my labor at home without medication and didn't even know it!!! 
Even though I was progressing quick at this point, I was in so much pain, I screamed for an epidural. They gave it to me, but because the epidural takes at least fifteen minutes to kick in, it never really took full effect because in 15-20 minutes I had dilated from a 7 to a 10 and was ready to push in those few minutes!!! I think the epidural took the edge off of pushing a little bit, but it definitely did not really kick in. Ha. 
While pushing, Georgia's heart rate dropped, but because I was so "in the zone", I had no idea. I definitely could feel people pressuring and coercing me to keep pushing, but I truly just tried to listen to my body and push when I felt it. I pushed for about twenty minutes (maybe five pushes) and baby girl was here! 
So, in a nutshell, I arrived at the hospital at 3 am and she was born at 4:05 am. My sisters and mom were in the delivery room and they almost didn't make it! Ha. I basically gave a natural birth, but it was not even on purpose! I truly never expected my labor and delivery to go like that!! 
My recovery has been amazing. I went home to the hospital on Tuesday. I went to the store the day after we got home. I went on my first walk with Georgia! I am so amazed at the entire process. It truly is amazing to look back and see how my body went into gear and just knew what to do. 

Also, I am just grateful she wasn't a 10 pound baby. Haha. Both Tanner and I were big babies and I was a week overdue, so I thought for sure she'd be a chunker. But she was 7 lb 6 oz and most of the weight was in her cheeks :) 

During this time of year and Thanksgiving, I am so grateful for such a healthy labor, delivery and baby. I am constantly amazed at all of the things that could go wrong and I am so grateful for Georgia. We are exhausted and we are still trying to get the hang of things, but it is amazing to see how much T and I love her (I know it's cliche, but I didn't even know this kind of love was possible!). Georgia is loved by so many people. Nurses at the hospital had to kick people out from visiting because all of our family wanted to come and see her and snuggle her! She is beautiful (I may be a bit biased) and is a good eater. 

We named her Georgia Kay for a multitude of reasons. Georgia is my great great grandmother's name and Tanner's great great aunt's name, so it was a family name on both sides. Also, Tanner served his mission in Georgia, so that was just an added bonus. But, even more than that, we just thought the name was cute. Anyone who knows me knows that I can't stand weird, made up names with horrible spellings. But, I also wanted something a little unique (one where there aren't a million of them!). I felt like Georgia was a good combination--not weird enough for people to be like, "huh?" but unique enough that it felt special. 
Kay is my grandmother's middle name, also my sister's, and my niece who passed away from SIDS middle name. Kay is also Tanner's grandma's middle name and his sister's middle name as well. So the full name had lots of family and special meaning. 
And I feel like it fits her perfectly. 

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Georgia Kay- Announcement, Pregnancy, Baby Shower!

Georgia Kay has finally arrived! 
November 12, 2018 4:05 am 
7 lbs 6 oz and 20.5 inches 
We love her so so much. 
Now that I have a minute (even due to this exhaustion!) I thought I would finally write about this adorable girl's journey...starting with conception. Ha. Juuuust kidding. 

All information is on my Instagram 

Announcing to Family! 

Telling Tanner I am pregnant! 

Telling Tanner's Family! We put a piece of paper on our dog, Saylor, that said "Big Sister" and had Tanner's little sister grab it from her. We told my parents over the phone and I told my sisters the next day because I had to tell someone!!  

Pregnancy Announcement 
see another post here 

Telling my students that I am pregnant. They were a little excited. Ha! 

Gender Reveal 
We decided to surprise ourselves (and our family) the gender of Georgia. We had to go back to the ultrasound three different times because she didn't want to uncross her legs and they couldn't figure out her gender! Eventually they did, and they put it in an envelope. My sister in law put a special color in the balloons and my family stomped on them. 

Baby Shower
My sister and mother in law threw me the cutest baby shower. We had people from Tanner's ward growing up, my ward, family friends, college friends, and family. It was such a great shower and baby girl was absolutely spoiled with gifts. 

Lovely face. Ha 

My mom flew in from Oregon to surprise me for my shower! 

see another post here 

Oh, man. Georgia's pregnancy definitely was not, you would consider, an easy one. I was very lucky to have a few great weeks between weeks 22-35, but I threw up for the first 22 weeks. After week 35, the nausea returned and I was so incredibly itchy. I thought I had choleostasis, but, luckily I did not. I was just so severely itchy! My OB said it was directed to my iron deficiency. I was quite emotional during the first and second trimesters a bit, but felt okay from then on out. Since Baby G was a week late, the last three weeks of pregnancy were soooo difficult, but I know that is not unusual. I had an anterior placenta, so unfortunately, I couldn't feel her move very much in the first and second trimesters, which made it difficult to connect, I think. I worked up until three days before having baby girl. It was so nice to teach and have the distraction, but it was also incredibly exhausting. But, ultimately, I think working was a good decision for me. 

Baby Moving! 

Monday, September 3, 2018

In Which I Simplified.

Heyo! I am almost 32 weeks pregnant over here.
The itching and swelling and exhaustion is so worth it because feeling baby girl move and turn is so cool! (finally! I have anterior placenta so I couldn't feel her until 28 weeks pregnant. I was feeling so sad and worried, and then, instantly, hours later, she kept me up from kicking and moving that night. Ha! She was like...Mom! I'm here!) 

First day of teaching at 30 weeks pregnant!
via instagram 
This thing is getting real, and I am not prepared in any facet. It's giving me anxiety. It's fun!
But, seriously, this pregnancy has given me more anxiety than anything I've ever had before, which is probably fair. There are a multitude of reasons for this anxiety but a lot if it essentially boils down to this: I was so overwhelmed. 
One thing I try to be in my life is self-aware. I am not perfect by any means, but I feel like I know myself very well and try to be aware of why I am feeling the way I am. 

I have spent the past few months feeling like I was drowning. Overcome with mental illness and confusion and anxiousness stopped me from getting things done that I needed to. 

I spent too many nights crying and stressed and overridden with "How am I going to do it all?"

So, I simplified. 

I decided to quit my masters degree.

It's been so hard to finally make this decision. I've spent many nights praying and thinking and realized that even though it's a sad loss, it feels like the right thing to do. I was so worried about feeling like I was a failure. I had already quit my choir back in the Spring to simplify my life then. As I started the program, after a few months, I realized that I did not enjoy the program itself at all. And I thought to myself "Oh, I'll just power through! It's worth it for that piece of paper." But, then, I realized that I am pregnant. Like super pregnant. Ha. And teaching full time. I don't think people realize that regardless of having a child in your belly, teaching is an exhausting career. I know people think they know, but until they are in the profession, I'm not sure if they are aware of the mental, physical, emotional exhaustion that is accompanied. Then, you add that baby girl in the mix with all of the exhaustion, swelling, and itching, and I was just overcome with a monster of depression and anxiety.
And, to top it all off, I'm not sure if educational leadership is a path that I want to take. Of course that is something that I realized after starting (isn't that how it always works?! Just like getting pregnant two months after starting the program...).

Of course, the process of withdrawing from my masters has been stressful enough. I am still making phone calls and trying to solidify everything and it takes forever. Yet, on top of that, it is worth the temporary stress to help my long term stress. And, like everything, If I want to go back to my masters I can in a few a years.

I am a strong believer there is a time and season for everything.

My priorities have already started to shift as I think about my family and my future. I am a strong believer that there is a time and a season for everything. And the season for a master's degree is not now. The season for going out and socializing every single night is probably not right now, either. I have what you may call "FOMO" and I feel so left out over the past 32 weeks! I want to go do fun things, I miss my loooong hikes, and I miss, well, having the energy to do things. I am grateful that I am still able to do some of those things, just not to the extent of what I used to. And for me, as silly as that sounds, it is a loss. But setting boundaries and slowing down is OKAY. It's okay, guys! You can slow down and choose to balance your life in whatever way works for you. I am saying this to "you guys" because I really just need to hear it for myself. Simplifying that part of my life has helped my mental state as well.

Simplify. It feels good. 

Monday, August 6, 2018

Interview T Money Part V// 5th Anniversary!

Happy Five Years to us! This past five years have flown by and I know that they will only continue to go faster as we have a baby girl here in three months (ahh!) and life starts to get even more insane! 

For the past few years, I interviewed Tanner with these questions on our anniversary. I thought that it would be fun to ask him the exact same questions (with a few added every year!). It was so funny to see his responses. I had to probe him to get a little more in-depth responses. He's really good at having two word answers. Typical male. ;).

My responses are in parentheses. 

Note: These are his responses EXACTLY. I didn't change one word. 

Tell me a little bit about yourself. 
2014: Mark Tanner Charlesworth. Age 23. Married. 6'3''. Incredibly Good Looking with chiseled muscles.
2015: Mark Tanner Charlesworth. My name is Tanner and I like to party. I like to do stuff outdoors. 
2016: Tall. Awesome. That about sums it up. (basically...) 
2017: to play sports..and watch sports. (Uh, yea. A little too much, I'd say). 
2018: You know me. 

What is your current job? 
2014: I'm in school full time during the year, but I am the Assistant Race Director for Epic Relays."
2015: The Color Run. But I'm kind of on the market, so if you know of anything, let me know! I am also a wellness advocate for Doterra. (If you need oils, let him know!!!)
2016: I knock doors and sell pest control. (Yes, he's one of those bros..) 
2017: Strategic account manager at a digital marketing agency.  (and he's still in school....)
2018: Strategic account manager—basically I create digital marketing strategies and implement that for clients. 

What are you going to school for? 
2014: I am getting my Accounting degree with a pre-dental minor, with the goal of going to Dental School. My dream school for dental is OHSU in Portland.
2015: Marketing and Business Management. (He has, clearly, changed his major and we have decided together to take a different route for his career! Only two more years of his undergraduate. We got this! Ha.) 
2016: Digital Marketing (his responses are getting shorter and shorter each year...) 
2017: Digital Marketing (almost there...almost there...
2018: Still? Digital Marketing (sigh...) 

What was your first impression of Sierra (me)?
2014: I thought, 'This girl is crazy, but she's pretty.' You made me play a stupid envelope game. I didn't know anyone there. It was the most stupid game ever.  (I thought the same thing about him) 
2015: Who is this girl? She's a bossy pants. (hahahaha) 
2016: That girl is crazy. Pretty, but seems like a lot to handle (nothing's changed, I guess.) 
2017: This girl is crazy. (as he's watching a soccer game.....same answer... just shorter).  
2018: She's crazy. (you'd think he be a little more creative at this point) 

How many kids do you do want? 
2014: No more than 4. But I am not ready for kids; a wife is enough to handle for now." (HEY!) 
2015: 2 at the least, 4 at the most. I want boys and girls. One girl and one boy sounds perfect to me.
2016: 2-3. (the number is getting lower and lower the longer we are married hahah) 
2017: 2-3. (he's distracted watching a soccer game so his responses are laaaame right now). 
2018: 2. maybe 3. (he's praying for a boy next...Ha!) 

What is your favorite food? 
2014: Pizza. Fire baked pizza, specifically. My favorite restaurant is Pizzeria 712 because, well, it's the most amazing pizza in the world." (Seriously…I'm drooling now just thinking about it.
2015: Pizza and hot wings. But I'm kind of a food nerd, so my tastes vary drastically. (All he ever wants is Pizza. Always. It's so annoying.)
2016: All kinds of food! Food is glorious and makes me happy (He really is obsessed with food. Good thing he is skinny. Ha!) 
2017: Mmmmm pizza and hot wings. 
2018: Mmmm pizza, tacos, and hot wings.  (Yep. same response).

What do you fear the most? 
2014: Bees. F*** Bees. (It's the funniest thing in the world. He will jump off cliffs, go bungee jumping, but he sees a Bee and FREAKS).
2015: Bees. F Bees. (LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME RESPONSE AS LAST YEAR. He hates them so bad. It's so funny.) 
2016: Bees. Always and forever bees. (hahahahahaha kills me. Every time)
2017: Is and always will be, BEES. I hate bees. 
Me: Any fears about life or like..real stuff?
Him: No. Everything will work out in life. (Eye roll... pessimist on my end)
2018: Always bees. 
Me: Anything else, like, maybe, deeper?
Him: Nope. 

What are your 5 favorite hobbies? 
2014: Rock climbing, fishing, watching/playing sports, reading, playing music. 
2015: Fishing, rock climbing, hunting, playing sports, watching sports. (Ha. Seems familiar.) 
2016: fishing, hunting, rock climbing, sports, I find a new hobby every week (Yes. Yes he does...) 
2017: playing sports, fishing, hunting, watching sports, and traveling with my wife. (Hey! We got one new hobby in there!). 

What is your dream vacation and why? 
2014: "I have a lot of dream vacations, right now it's Thailand because I want to hold a tiger. And they have really good rock climbing."
2015: Croatia. No, I don't know. Alaska. So I can shoot a freaking big bear. 
2016: Alaska in the summer because of bears, fishing, Denali and I really want to fly fish for salmon (He and I both have that travel bug. It's a problem). 
2017: Alaska. Fishing in Alaska. I have always wanted see it and catch really big salmon. 

Describe yourself in 5 adjectives. 
2014: Loud, Energetic, Awesome, Intelligent, Athletic. "(He could make a list of fifteen, cocky son of a….. I could add some words, too…) 
2015: Awesome, Energetic, Funny, Cool, The Coolest. (Still humble
2016: fun, energetic, patient, athletic, nonjudgmental (I added the last two! Haha). 
2017: I hate this question. Confident, easygoing, sociable, I can't think of anything else. You pick. (Again...still watching the soccer game). 
2018:  tired, fun, athletic, hardworking, sometimes nice. (Sometimes nice hahaha. I like how tired is in there now. Welcome to adulthood). 

What is your favorite movie of all time and why?
2014: Top Gun. Because my grandpa was a fighter pilot for the Navy. I watched it so much as a little kid, I wore the VHS out."(Plus he looks exactly like Iceman/Val Kilmer! See here. It's creepy.
2015: Top Gun. Because my grandpa was a fighter pilot so I grew up watching it. (haha exact same answer.) 
2016: Do you even need to ask? Top Gun (I wonder if this will ever change...) 
2017: Top Gun. 
2018: Top Gun. Stop asking this question. (maybe I'll start asking his second favorite movie of the year...) 

Can you give me a mock session of how you would discuss sex education when you have a child?
2014: I will give my sons the same advice my father gave me: 'Keep the pecker in the pants, boy.' My daughters will wear chastity belts. That's it. Sierra can do the rest. (Awesome. Thanks, babe.
2015: Keep the pecker in the pants. [Smiles. Shrugs.] And, it would depend on the child. (Clearly he needs to expand his sex education knowledge and vocabulary.) 
2016: Just don't be stupid. Keep the pecker in the pants and then there are no problems. (eye roll. I will be doing the sex ed talk apparently. He says the same thing every year.) 
Me: What if it's a girl? 
T: That one will go a lot different. And my wife can handle most of that one (he's dumb. The father needs to talk to the daughter too!!). I would just tell her to respect her body and make sure the guys she dates does the same. 
2017: Don't do it. But if you are, at least put a condom on. (lovely). 
2018: mmm don’t do it. It’s not worth it. But if you insist, be smart and use protection. 

If you won the lottery, what are the first three things you would do/buy? 
1. Build a house with land. 
2. Buy a tiger and/or leopard…maybe some wolves (he is grinning at me right now
3. Live off of the interest and not let anyone know I was rich. My kids will earn their keep.
1. Pay off my house. 
2. Start a french fry food truck business (he is quite determined to do this). 
3. Put away the rest. 
1. Pay off my house. 
2. Buy a 2015 VW tai golf sports ago. 
3. The rest save and invest. And do some traveling.
1. Pay off my house.
2. Pay off my truck.
3. Invest and live off the interest.
(Ha! Sounds familiar).
1. pay off house
2. pay off truck—buy a new truck
3.  take a trip with my wife. (My eye roll). 

If your house was on fire and you had a chance to grab only five things before leaving, they would be…
2014: My wife, my dog, my guns, my guitars, and my laptop. 
2015: My wife because she is going to be passed out panicking (Rude! But true), Saylor the dog would get herself (she would follow us out.) (Again, true.)  So I would get my guns, my laptopthat's kind of all I would grab. There's not enough time to grab five things. 
2016: Assuming my wife is capable of getting herself out... (funny)... I would get my laptop, my guns, my guitars. And that's a lot so that's probably it (I think we all know his favorite things in the house at this point). 
2017: guns, guitars, the dog...everything else is in the garage.... 
2018: my dog, my guns, I don’t need anything else, really. I mean, assuming you’re safe. Everything is replaceable. 

If you believed in reincarnation, what would you come back as? 
2014: That's simple…my spirit animal clearly is a Jaguar." (I am dying right now. What a nerd). 
2015: A freaking awesome big cat like a lion or a leopard.  (He loves big cats.) 
2016: Jungle cat. Like a bad ass jungle cat. (oh, dear.) 
2017: I don't know, that's a weird question. I don't believe in reincarnation. 
Me: IF you believed...
Tanner: But I don't believe in it.
Me: Just answer the question!
Tanner: A pillow so I can just sleep. 
Me: uh, it has to be an animal. 
Tanner: A lion so I could just take a nap and eat. 
2018: A badass big cat. A tiger. (The cat has to be badass, though). 

One of the best decisions you have ever made? (besides marrying me ;) )
2014: The haircut I got today. Just kidding. Marrying my wife. That's a trick question. I can't say anything else, but I wouldn't say anything else. Cause I loooooove you (He sang that to me. awwww)
2015: Um…moving to Portland. Because I would never have met my wife if I didn't move there. 
2016: Going to school even though I hate it. 
2017: Buying my new truck (oh, geez). 
2018: Buying my truck. *my eye roll*. What! It makes me so happy! (It really does, you guys. It's kind of sad). 

2015 added questions...

What is one thing that you have learned about or from marriage? 
2015: Everyone needs alone time, even extroverts (he's an extrovert.) 
2016: Make your expectations clear so that your partners knows what to expect. It is much easier to not let someone down if they have a clear idea of your expectations. 
2017: Communicate. It's important. 
2018: It's all about expectations and communicating those expectations. 

What is your most unique trait? 
2015I hate talking about myself. Being freaking awesome. 
Me: No, really. Answer the question!!! 
Tanner: Ummmmmm, my inventiveness. I always have a thousand ideas. 
2016: I'm surprisingly good at remaking old furniture and solving puzzles. (He really is!). 
2017: I have really tiny ears. (It's true!! So tiny!). 
2018: I don't know. I'm too tired to answer these questions and I haven't eaten. I'm pretty good at most stuff. 

One quality you want your children to possess and that you will focus on teaching them?
2015: Integrity. Because the world is going to shit and we need some good people in it. You can quote on me that. (hahahaha) 
2016: Honesty. 
2017: Hard work. 
2018: Respect. I'm tired of little brat kids. (seriously...) 

What was your favorite part about our wedding?
2015: The sex afterwards. (Oh, awesome.) 
2016: Our first dance. You looked so pretty and it was just the two of us and nothing else mattered. (awwwww!!) 
2017: I don't know. That was 4 years ago. Being married to you...? (Real deep).  
2018: Just feeling happy and knowing I married the right person. 

2016 added questions....

What piece of advice would you give "newlyweds?" 
2016: It's okay to argue as long as you're willing to say sorry and work to fix the issues. (so true!) 
2017: Marriage is not what it seems to be on instagram. it is not easy. You have to work at it. 
2018: If you think you know you're're wrong! Marriage is worth the risk, but you HAVE TO COMMUNICATE (can you tell he's learning this?! Hahah) 

What trait do you think that you and I have most in common? 
2016: The love of travel and the desire to do what's right (I would agree!)
2017: We both really like to travel (same as last year! Ha). 
2018: Spontaneity.

2017 added questions.. 

What is your favorite memory of us having together? 
2017: Spending the entire month of July 2016 in Hawaii.  It was the best thing ever.  (Ugh, it really was! I miss it). 
2018: Spending a month in Maui. (Still one of my favorite memories too!)

Where is one place you would like to travel together as a couple? Why?
2017: Portugal. Because Lisbon has really good seafood and it's a really cool stuff to see and it's really romantical (hehe), but not as cliche as Paris. 
2018: Croatia. It looks cool. 

2018 added questions... 

Why are you excited to have a girl? 
Girls are helpful. Boys are not. So it will be nice to have a girl first. (He knows this because he's the oldest of six...and was not helpful. Ha!) 

What is a personality trait of yours that you wish you could change?
I have a loud voice that carries and it's annoying. 

This is so fun to do every year! Man, that guy changes his mind...except his favorite movie and food ;)  

And, just for fun, let's show my wedding video and the slideshow that was played at our wedding. Huzzah! 

More Pictures from our perfect wedding day

Wednesday, June 27, 2018


Hi blogging world.
It's only been six months. Not that long, eh? ;)

I'm not sure if you heard the news, but T Money and I are expecting a baby! I am almost 22 weeks today. We are having a girl! 
I thought I'd share with all of you this awesome news. There is lots of "news" happening in our lives. From new jobs, to school, to teaching, and new church callings. I've been meaning to "tell the world" about our lives because I love to document. Unfortunately, though, this blog hasn't given me the outlet that I needed before, if that makes sense. And that's okay. I strongly believe there is a time and place fore everyone and everything in each of our lives. 
But that's not what I wanted to talk about. 

That's what I wanted to chat about. 

Pregnancy is hard and it sucks. 

Yep, I said it. 

I feel like, so often, we talk about the excitement and joy and happiness that accompanies pregnancy. Yes, there is no doubt that those feelings are exponentially true. After all, you (well, I) have a baby in your STOMACH! You are growing a human! What a miraculous, wonderful, special occasion. 

Which then has you question, oh, wow, yea, I have a human growing inside of me. It's scary and emotional and it does things to your body that you didn't even know could happen. 

The honeymoon phase of pregnancy is great. You are so thrilled for a new baby to arrive in your home. You want to tell everyone and have them share in your joy. You want to find out the gender and start decorating and buying clothes (all of which I did! And which I shared with friends and family). 

I love that I can share my excitement about my pregnancy with people when they ask how I'm doing. I am so grateful that people are excited for us!  

What I don't share when someone asks me is this: 

I hate that I don't have a "cute" baby bump (I just look like I've gained weight at this point. So much for a cute bump that just pops out..). 

I hate the insecurity that stems from pregnancy. I hate that women make comments about others' cute bumps and not mine. I hate that I care so much about that (like who cares? I know, logically, that everyone carries a baby differently). I hate that I don't want to socialize because of this anxiety and insecurity. 

I hate that I don't have the energy or stamina to do things anymore. I hate that I have the urge and need to do fun things, but I can't. Every time I try to push myself, my body tells me to stop and slow down--which frustrates me! 

I hate that I feel lazy and tired all of the time, even after being active and exercising and trying to drink tons of water. 

I hate that I worry about pre-eclampsia or gestational or all of the other physical scares that could come with a woman who is overweight and has PCOS like me. (I am so happy we were able to get pregnant on our own without fertility, even with PCOS. How amazing, huh?). 

I hate that I can't feel baby girl move yet (Why can't I?!) while everyone talks about how much they can feel their babies kick. 

I hate that I am constantly worried if baby girl is okay. If she's healthy physically and that she'll be cute (I feel so stupid admitting that, ya know?). 

 I hate that I'm almost 22 weeks and I am still nauseous some days. I hate that I threw up for 18 weeks and now I am still feeling crummy some days. I am grateful that I am not throwing up every morning, but I was hoping to "feel the 2nd trimester honeymoon phase" at this point. 

I hate that I had a hard time being so excited for baby girl until recently because I was so sick and so exhausted for so long. It's hard to be so excited when your best friend is a toilet for weeks on end. I felt guilty for this for awhile. 

I hate that I worry about all the anxiety that accompanies planning for baby girl. Are we going to be able to buy everything for baby? Am I going to have the nursery ready? Will baby have all of the supplies she needs? It sometimes goes as irrational as: Will I know how to take care of a baby?! Haha. 

I hate the fear of having to balance everything this next year: teaching full time, getting my masters degree, new baby, tanner in school and working full time. (I keep trying to remind myself that it's temporary!). I'm worried for me and my baby. 

I hate the weight gain and the stretch marks. I hate the round ligament pain, sciatic nerve pain, constipation, and smell of pregnancy (TMI?). 

I feel guilty for not being one of those women who just "loves to be pregnant!!!!" because, well, frankly, I have had a rough pregnancy. And I guess that's okay to not love it. 

I hate that I can't focus. I try to start a book and I can barely finish it, I try to write a paper for my master's degree and I cant think of words to write, I try to talk to Tanner and I can't even finish my sentences (pregnancy brain is real!!). 

I hate that my emotions, hormones, and mental illness seem to be overriding. I am irritable and sad, even when I try not to be. I hate that my emotions can change on the spot. 

I hate that I need so much sleep!!! Haha! (Even more than usual. And I love to sleep). 

I hate that I have to eat like every hour otherwise I become sick and hangry to the maximum (it's really annoying). 

Pregnancy sucks. I am grateful and excited, but I hate the way I feel physically and emotionally. The guilt and sadness and fear that accompanies it can be scary. The stretch marks, weight gain, nausea, and tiredness can wear you out. But I can still be excited and grateful. And I'm learning that those two don't have to be mutually exclusive. Which I'm trying to remind myself, but it's challenging. What I want to tell you is that you can be happy AND sad. You can be grateful and not excited. You can be thrilled and depressed. All at the same time. 

I've always been one to struggle with change and this, well, quite honestly, is a HUGE change happening in our lives. It's an exciting, wonderful, scary, emotional time. But I know that I will be so grateful that I get to go through it. Because anything difficult is worth it in the end. 
I cannot wait to meet baby girl! 

I saw this on Facebook the other day and I had to share it. It is so relatable in so many ways.
Women are amazing.