In my classroom, I have these things called "Swear Words." No, they are not actual swear words. If the kids say those words, they go straight to the principal's office. But I have "Swear Words" that they can't say. Words such as: "This is stupid." "This is so hard." "I give up." And, "I hate this."
Normally, I don't like those words. But in this post, I will be using it a lot. Because right now, I am feeling a lot of hatred toward all of the inadequacy I have been feeling in my life.
You see, recently, I have been feeling an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.
And to be honest, most of it has stemmed from my own insecurities and struggles.
But even when I have tried many things to not feel so inadequate; to not feel so insecure, I feel like I get shot down. Somehow, no matter what I do, I end up feeling inadequate in what I do. And I hate it.
I think it is time to finally rid myself of this incredibly painful and exhausting struggle. Getting it out into the "world"and receiving feedback is a way of dealing and coping for me. So, alas, I have gotten over my pride and I vent.
You see, I hide a lot in. Most of my struggles are very internal and deep in my life. And because these struggles tend to be so inward, no one in my "outside" life is even aware. Plus, I don't share a lot about myself with others about my daily life. I talk a lot, yes. However, I don't talk about the inner workings of my life to others. I need to feel very safe and very comfortable in order to share this information with someone else. Because of that, not many people know or understand the emotions that go through my head and heart on a daily basis. (hate all of those emotions that I feel by the way. Which I was more even-keel).
I have struggled with clinical depression since I was 14. I have taken every medication known to man to deal with anxiety and depression. I went to therapy for years. It is, unfortunately, a huge part of me. No, it does not define who I am. But it is something that I deal with often. What people don't understand about my kind of depression is that it never really leaves. It's hard to explain. That doesn't mean I am never happy or I never have awesome days. It just means, that no matter what, I will come back "down" and feel these intense emotions. Usually, it happens in some sort of cycle. I want to say it happens in like three month cycles. For three months I'll feel amazing and then my body, physically, and emotionally will just shut down every few months. And friends, I HATE dealing with depression. I HATE that it's my trial. And I hate that it is a test that the Lord has given me. It doesn't mean I'm not going to work at it, but I still hate it. And I think that's okay to feel that way.
Side note: I want you all to remember that just because I deal with depression does not mean I am always unhappy. It just means that it's a trial that I have to manage and be aware of every single day of my life. Like most of us, some days are great and some days are bad. My lows are just lower than the average person.
Now, for me, stress and change are HUGE triggers for my depression. I hate change. And, well, this year, included some of the biggest "changes" in my life thus far. My whole world has changed. Completely. This year, I: Have a new job--teaching a new grade, at a new school, in a new district. I have a new (well, uh, first) husband. I have a new apartment. I have a new ward. Which means I have to get a lot "new" things: some new friends, new everyday shopping, new ways to cope with marriage and the everyday workings of married life.
I don't do well with change. And those things, my friends, are A LOT of new changes all within a matter of two months. And to be frank, it has been very hard.
Which, then has led me to this: immense feelings of inadequacy.
Which, I, you guessed it, hate.
I would say, in my experience that inadequacy is very parallel to depression.
It is hard for me to say this, but I am going to. I can honestly say that I feel very inadequate with most things in my life right now. And I don't know if it's just the fact that I have all of these changes happening or my birth control or it's just another "low point", but as I lay awake last night after hours of crying, analyzing my life, that's how I felt. I felt inadequate. In all facets. How sad, huh? Guess what? I hate feeling this way. But I do. And how I feel is simply how I feel.
I feel like an inadequate wife. I hate cooking so I don't do it often. I am a full time teacher which means I am a wife with a full time job. Which means I spend a lot of my time at my school. I feel like I have inadequate time. I am so emotional all of the time and my poor husband is probably questioning who this crazy cryer is who he married. I think that he thinks that he wishes he didn't marry me because of my issues that come up :( (I know, I know.) I look at all of these women around me (stupid Utah) and am reminded how inadequate of a wife I am.
I feel inadequate in my social life. I try to put myself out there: in my new ward, in the new area, and I feel so different than all of these women around me. I get shut down by the numerous amount of cliques in the area that I live. I feel like I'm trying to push myself into friendships. And it's hard. All of my old friends, I feel, to be honest, have completely abandoned me. (Which happens after marriage, I have realized). And it just reiterates the inadequacy I tend to feel in my social groups. I think to myself, "Does anyone even notice me? Does anyone care?" I hate that I feel inadequate and not loved by my friends.
I feel inadequate in my body. I look at myself in the mirror and it makes me sad. And I HATE that. I am not even big. I just hate that I feel that way. And to be very honest, I hate that the world we live in has made it so that I feel that way. I feel fat and ugly because every single woman around me, especially here in Utah is a size 2. How else am I supposed to feel when I look around and I'm the biggest girl in the circle? Why? Why do I allow society to dictate how I feel about my body? I hate that.
You get the picture.
And so, I do everything I can to make this inadequacy turn into greatness. I really do: positive self talk, exercise, etc. But it doesn't go away. And I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired all of the time (name that song) and just basically surviving through life. I want to enjoy it. I want to feel great about myself (like I always have before recently!).
That is what is so hard for me. I have never struggled with confidence. And this is one of the first times in my life that I am struggling with who I am and my strengths. I hate that NOW I am struggling with these things.
So, dear friends, This is where you come in.
Obviously, as you can tell, from this post, this is not the way I know I should feel. Because I haven't felt this until at this point of my life. Clearly, I don't like feeling this way. And the things that I have been doing aren't working. So. I call to you.
What do you do to make yourself feel wonderful?
How do I stop comparing myself to others?
What advice do you have?
Am I the only who feels this way??
And for now, I tell myself in the mirror every morning: You are a beautiful, talented, wonderful person. You affect others' lives positively and you make a difference. One day it will sink in :)