Sierra's View: I Hate Feelings of Inadequacy.

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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I Hate Feelings of Inadequacy.

In my classroom, I have these things called "Swear Words." No, they are not actual swear words. If the kids say those words, they go straight to the principal's office. But I have "Swear Words" that they can't say. Words such as: "This is stupid." "This is so hard." "I give up."  And, "I hate this." 

Normally, I don't like those words. But in this post, I will be using it a lot. Because right now, I am feeling a lot of hatred toward all of the inadequacy I have been feeling in my life.
You see, recently, I have been feeling an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.
And to be honest, most of it has stemmed from my own insecurities and struggles.
But even when I have tried many things to not feel so inadequate; to not feel so insecure, I feel like I get shot down. Somehow, no matter what I do, I end up feeling inadequate in what I do. And I hate it.

I think it is time to finally rid myself of this incredibly painful and exhausting struggle. Getting it out into the "world"and receiving feedback is a way of dealing and coping for me. So, alas, I have gotten over my pride and I vent.

You see, I hide a lot in. Most of my struggles are very internal and deep in my life. And because these struggles tend to be so inward, no one in my "outside" life is even aware. Plus, I don't share a lot about myself with others about my daily life. I talk a lot, yes. However, I don't talk about the inner workings of my life to others. I need to feel very safe and very comfortable in order to share this information with someone else. Because of that, not many people know or understand the emotions that go through my head and heart on a daily basis. (hate all of those emotions that I feel by the way. Which I was more even-keel).

I have struggled with clinical depression since I was 14. I have taken every medication known to man to deal with anxiety and depression. I went to therapy for years. It is, unfortunately, a huge part of me. No, it does not define who I am. But it is something that I deal with often. What people don't understand about my kind of depression is that it never really leaves. It's hard to explain. That doesn't mean I am never happy or I never have awesome days. It just means, that no matter what, I will come back "down" and feel these intense emotions. Usually, it happens in some sort of cycle. I want to say it happens in like three month cycles. For three months I'll feel amazing and then my body, physically, and emotionally will just shut down every few months. And friends, I HATE dealing with depression. I HATE that it's my trial. And I hate that it is a test that the Lord has given me. It doesn't mean I'm not going to work at it, but I still hate it. And I think that's okay to feel that way.

Side note: I want you all to remember that just because I deal with depression does not mean I am always unhappy. It just means that it's a trial that I have to manage and be aware of every single day of my life. Like most of us, some days are great and some days are bad. My lows are just lower than the average person. 

Now, for me, stress and change are HUGE triggers for my depression. I hate change. And, well, this year, included some of the biggest "changes" in my life thus far. My whole world has changed. Completely. This year, I: Have a new job--teaching a new grade, at a new school, in a new district. I have a new (well, uh, first) husband. I have a new apartment. I have a new ward. Which means I have to get a lot "new" things: some new friends, new everyday shopping, new ways to cope with marriage and the everyday workings of married life.

I don't do well with change. And those things, my friends, are A LOT of new changes all within a matter of two months. And to be frank, it has been very hard.

Which, then has led me to this: immense feelings of inadequacy.
Which, I, you guessed it, hate.
I would say, in my experience that inadequacy is very parallel to depression.  

It is hard for me to say this, but I am going to. I can honestly say that I feel very inadequate with most things in my life right now. And I don't know if it's just the fact that I have all of these changes happening or my birth control or it's just another "low point", but as I lay awake last night after hours of crying, analyzing my life, that's how I felt. I felt inadequate. In all facets. How sad, huh? Guess what? I hate feeling this way. But I do. And how I feel is simply how I feel.

I feel like an inadequate wife. I hate cooking so I don't do it often. I am a full time teacher which means I am a wife with a full time job. Which means I spend a lot of my time at my school. I feel like I have inadequate time. I am so emotional all of the time and my poor husband is probably questioning who this crazy cryer is who he married. I think that he thinks that he wishes he didn't marry me because of my issues that come up :( (I know, I know.) I look at all of these women around me (stupid Utah) and am reminded how inadequate of a wife I am.

I feel inadequate in my social life. I try to put myself out there: in my new ward, in the new area, and I feel so different than all of these women around me. I get shut down by the numerous amount of cliques in the area that I live. I feel like I'm trying to push myself into friendships. And it's hard. All of my old friends, I feel, to be honest, have completely abandoned me. (Which happens after marriage, I have realized). And it just reiterates the inadequacy I tend to feel in my social groups. I think to myself, "Does anyone even notice me? Does anyone care?"  I hate that I feel inadequate and not loved by my friends.

I feel inadequate in my body. I look at myself in the mirror and it makes me sad. And I HATE that. I am not even big. I just hate that I feel that way. And to be very honest, I hate that the world we live in has made it so that I feel that way. I feel fat and ugly because every single woman around me, especially here in Utah is a size 2. How else am I supposed to feel when I look around and I'm the biggest girl in the circle? Why? Why do I allow society to dictate how I feel about my body? I hate that.

You get the picture.

And so, I do everything I can to make this inadequacy turn into greatness. I really do: positive self talk, exercise, etc. But it doesn't go away. And I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired all of the time (name that song) and just basically surviving through life. I want to enjoy it. I want to feel great about myself (like I always have before recently!).

That is what is so hard for me. I have never struggled with confidence. And this is one of the first times in my life that I am struggling with who I am and my strengths. I hate that NOW I am struggling with these things.

So, dear friends, This is where you come in.
Obviously, as you can tell, from this post, this is not the way I know I should feel. Because I haven't felt this until at this point of my life. Clearly, I don't like feeling this way. And the things that I have been doing aren't working. So. I call to you.

What do you do to make yourself feel wonderful?
How do I stop comparing myself to others?
What advice do you have?
Am I the only who feels this way??

And for now, I tell myself in the mirror every morning: You are a beautiful, talented, wonderful person. You affect others' lives positively and you make a difference. One day it will sink in :) 


  1. I just need to hug you so badly right now. I love you. I think you are wonderful. You ARE strong and confident. I love that you always give me straight answers and you never beat around the bush. I need people in my life like that and that is one of the many reasons I value our friendship. You are so beautiful. I cannot tell you how many times I have envied your gorgeous hair or your fun laugh, or your confident manner in which you speak to strangers. I just think you are wonderful. Love you love you love you!

  2. I always love reading your blog. You are so incredibly honest. Being a first year teacher and a somewhat newly wed wife myself, I hear ya girl...It's hard. The other day, I cried because I felt like such a bad wife; I wasn't helping clean up or cook. I wasn't even spending time with my husband. I was putting so much time into teaching that I felt like I was failing at that other important part of my life--being a wife.

    One thing that has helped me (this week) is just to make a few small goals. Big goals never work for me. I usually fail. ha. But small goals, when met, make me feel better. This week one of my goals was to hang up my clothes when I was finished with them. It was amazing what a difference that one small goal made. Sounds silly, but it helped.

    It's funny, I sometimes read your blog and wish that I was as put together as you. I think we often compare ourselves to other people only on what they are on the surface. We have a lot more in common with those "perfectly put together" people than we think. Turns out we all have "issues." I know have a ton!

    Oh, and PS, you are welcome to come hang out with Bradyn and me anytime :)

  3. Ah girl, I love you!! I have a similar post in the drafts of my personal blog, but I don't have depression to add to that and I can't even imagine! Have you ever read the talk Drops of Awesome? You should google it and read it often! :) Try to focus on the things that you're doing right :) Even though I know that might be difficult with the underlying issues. Maybe keep a drops of awesome journal and hopefully making a point to notice those positive, awesome things you do every day will start to push the negative more and more to the back of your mind! :) You are amazing girl! :)

  4. You are amazing Sierra! To have the strength to even write this, is confidence! I can't imagine ANYONE could deal very well with all the changes you have happening! Stay positive! You ARE beautiful and you don't have to look like everyone else to be or feel that way! Love you! :)

  5. You're definitely not alone, so take some comfort in that. I think there is a lot of pressure for women to do it all and be it all, and to keep our emotions in check. I think the first thing you need to do is offer yourself some compassion for how you are feeling. You are absolutely allowed to feel the way you do, and there is nothing wrong that. I've had to o this myself lately- just the other day I spent a good half hour crying uncontrollably for no good reason. I honestly could not understand why I was crying, and that frightened me and frustrated me. I felt better after going through my yoga class and working the stress out physically.
    I've struggled with my self-image a lot, but I've come to have more compassion for my body. I know I have a good heart, and that is the most important thing. This body is my body, and it has a ton of imperfections, but they're my imperfections, and they reflect my life's journey. In all honesty, I feel better when I smile, especially when I smile at strangers. Everyone loves to receive a smile, whatever it may look like.
    My last bit of advice: choose love. Fear is the enemy.

  6. i definitely have dealt with feelings like this, more than once in my life. more recently since moving i've been struggling with these feelings a lot. i just graduated and i haven't been able to get a job, i have no friends and we are in an apartment with basically no furniture so its a mess. i feel bad when ryan comes home and almost everyday im crying because i dont think i got anything done, and i dont know why because i don't have a job because no one would ever want to hire me. its hard when i sit at home alone organizing and i never talk to anyone cause i know no one. feeling fat because i always forget to exercise before i shower, trying not to compare my body to how it used to be. its hard. i've been trying to work on being more positive and feeling like my self again this. i don't have a solution for you, but know that you aren't the only struggling.

    i know that you can get through this. you are surrounded by such wonderful people that can help you. get out and try something new maybe. going outside on an adventure always helps me feel better. or if you need to you can talk to me. hope all is going well.


  7. Girl, I feel like you just blogged my whole life. Like, there is nothing in this that doesn't apply to me. I cried every day for the first two or three weeks after getting married, and it wasn't because I was unhappy. I was SO happy. But everything was different and it kinda freaked me out. Luckily I have the most understanding and supportive husbanBut I totally understand everything. I don't have a cure or whatever but I guess I just want you to know you aren't even close to being alone and I feel you in every sentence of this blog. So keep it up, friend. :)


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