It's my 300th post.
It's Labor Day, too.
Which means it's September (my birthday month!) of 2012.
Where does time go?
I have a lot of thoughts on this particular day. I went rafting down the Provo River this afternoon with my friends and got inexplicably burnt. On purpose. I spent this entire summer in my classroom and I needed some sun. It was perfect.
I am leaving to go to play volleyball soon but I felt like I needed to get some thoughts down.
As I have been transitioning into the "Real World" with a career, providing more for myself, and making very important decisions, I have learned how important the idea of trust is.
Trust in my Savior, in my family & friends, and in myself--that I will wake up every single day and remember that I am doing better than I sometimes think I am. I am so hard on myself. So incredibly hard. I question my motives, effort, and strength so often. When, in reality, I am doing just fine. I am excelling in many facets of life and I need to take those abilities and use them positively.
So often, when I question myself, I turn to the Big Guy Upstairs and begin begging, for the lack of a better word. But you know what's funny? Even before I begin speaking, I know exactly what He is going to say. I know exactly how I am going to feel when I am done. And to me, that's one of the coolest things...that I can be so sure of something. So often, I get so frustrated with my inconsistent emotions. I wish I was more "even-keel" and not feel things so intensely. But I am human and I am not perfect. But He is. I know that He will not only support me, but love and help me through all of those exhausting days of teaching, those days of little confidence, and those nights of pure negativity.
What I love about my knowledge of God, is that I can have that sureness, when so many other things in my life do not give me that. That even when I am so lost in the world, that when everything seems so overwhelming, an angel (either on this earth or from heaven) appears and sends me something to lift me off of my feet.
I think. A lot. And to be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I like this whole "thinking thing." Ha. The whole "wondering if I am going to wake up tomorrow morning feeling any better" kind of thinking.
I had a friend tell me once: "Reading your blog and writing are some of the very few times that tears have been brought to my eyes. Because reading it reminds me of how much you care and how absolutely right you are about everything."
I am not always right, love. Ha. Oh how I wish I was. But I am not. But I do know that I am right in trusting my Savior to pull me out of those dark nights.
I don't like to write about my relationship with God. Or religion for that matter. Not because I think it's awkward or that I'm trying to be politically correct (in fact, I probably write a lot of anti-PC things that piss you all off! Ha) It's just that I do not want others to feel awkward. I do not want others feel to as though I am spilling my thoughts onto them. So, I want you all to know that I write this because: I write what I know. And this is what I know.
I refuse to let my difficult times, my nights of depression, to change who I really am. I try not to get caught up in the currents of life. I have never changed who I am. And I am proud to say that. I am who I am. I try the hardest I know how. I laugh a lot in the process. I cry a lot in the process. But I will succeed. I know I will. I know I do.
I think, typically, people underestimate themselves; doubt their wonderfulness. I think it's because we are scared to see how great each of us really are--or we are scared of finding out how great we truly can be.
I have learned, at this point in my life, in my short 21 years of life (22 in a week!!! Party!) that so much of what is important will be formed RIGHT NOW. This is when I decide my work ethic, my testimony, my integrity, my personality, and my character.
What I seek most in this life is Joy. Pure, true, honest, peaceful Joy.
And heaven knows; I am trying my best to gain that.
Let's keep smiling, eh?
Let's keep trusting, too.