Sierra's View: September 2018

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Monday, September 3, 2018

In Which I Simplified.

Heyo! I am almost 32 weeks pregnant over here.
The itching and swelling and exhaustion is so worth it because feeling baby girl move and turn is so cool! (finally! I have anterior placenta so I couldn't feel her until 28 weeks pregnant. I was feeling so sad and worried, and then, instantly, hours later, she kept me up from kicking and moving that night. Ha! She was like...Mom! I'm here!) 

First day of teaching at 30 weeks pregnant!
via instagram 
This thing is getting real, and I am not prepared in any facet. It's giving me anxiety. It's fun!
But, seriously, this pregnancy has given me more anxiety than anything I've ever had before, which is probably fair. There are a multitude of reasons for this anxiety but a lot if it essentially boils down to this: I was so overwhelmed. 
One thing I try to be in my life is self-aware. I am not perfect by any means, but I feel like I know myself very well and try to be aware of why I am feeling the way I am. 

I have spent the past few months feeling like I was drowning. Overcome with mental illness and confusion and anxiousness stopped me from getting things done that I needed to. 

I spent too many nights crying and stressed and overridden with "How am I going to do it all?"

So, I simplified. 

I decided to quit my masters degree.

It's been so hard to finally make this decision. I've spent many nights praying and thinking and realized that even though it's a sad loss, it feels like the right thing to do. I was so worried about feeling like I was a failure. I had already quit my choir back in the Spring to simplify my life then. As I started the program, after a few months, I realized that I did not enjoy the program itself at all. And I thought to myself "Oh, I'll just power through! It's worth it for that piece of paper." But, then, I realized that I am pregnant. Like super pregnant. Ha. And teaching full time. I don't think people realize that regardless of having a child in your belly, teaching is an exhausting career. I know people think they know, but until they are in the profession, I'm not sure if they are aware of the mental, physical, emotional exhaustion that is accompanied. Then, you add that baby girl in the mix with all of the exhaustion, swelling, and itching, and I was just overcome with a monster of depression and anxiety.
And, to top it all off, I'm not sure if educational leadership is a path that I want to take. Of course that is something that I realized after starting (isn't that how it always works?! Just like getting pregnant two months after starting the program...).

Of course, the process of withdrawing from my masters has been stressful enough. I am still making phone calls and trying to solidify everything and it takes forever. Yet, on top of that, it is worth the temporary stress to help my long term stress. And, like everything, If I want to go back to my masters I can in a few a years.

I am a strong believer there is a time and season for everything.

My priorities have already started to shift as I think about my family and my future. I am a strong believer that there is a time and a season for everything. And the season for a master's degree is not now. The season for going out and socializing every single night is probably not right now, either. I have what you may call "FOMO" and I feel so left out over the past 32 weeks! I want to go do fun things, I miss my loooong hikes, and I miss, well, having the energy to do things. I am grateful that I am still able to do some of those things, just not to the extent of what I used to. And for me, as silly as that sounds, it is a loss. But setting boundaries and slowing down is OKAY. It's okay, guys! You can slow down and choose to balance your life in whatever way works for you. I am saying this to "you guys" because I really just need to hear it for myself. Simplifying that part of my life has helped my mental state as well.

Simplify. It feels good.