Sierra's View: May 2015

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Thursday, May 28, 2015

Maui // Video

I had big plans to unpack lots of boxes for my house this weekend and get a little more settled. But, alas, I was struck down with some pretty bad sinus crap (that's the scientific name for it). I have tried to socialize or move a bit, but every time I go out for like an hour, I am exhausted. I think it might be my body's way of telling me to calm the freak down. (It doesn't help that I had a serious anxiety attack on thursday.) Oh, life. I have more to say on this later. 
But, because of my lack of movement, if you will, I decided to use some of that time and make a video of our trip in Maui and continue the "Maui Series" on this blog. My siblings and I had numerous amounts of videos that we took and I wanted to compile them. So I did. It took awhile to make, but I love the creativity that accompanies making these videos. So, alas, here's a video of some awesome times in Maui. And, of course, keep your eyes peeled for more amazing photos from the trip!

Ainge Family Reunion Maui 2015 from Sierra Charlesworth on Vimeo.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

How We Wore It // Pleated Skirt // May

I have done a "How We Wore It" Collaboration with some of these fabulous ladies before, but I felt just as awkward doing it this time. Hooray!? I think we have established that I am not a fashion blogger. But, hey, I do love clothes! And that's all that matters. Own it, right? (Ha!). 

Essentially, what we all needed to do was take this adorable original outfit from Memorandum and put our own "twist" on it based on colors, textures, styles, etc. 

I am the first to admit that I am not as teeny as she is (don't worry, I'm not body shaming…I am simply stating a fact) so I found an outfit that I wear that is similar that I love. I have a denim shirt that goes with everything (seriously…everyone needs one. It is truly a staple item) and a pleated skirt, but floor length and tan. I added a necklace, put on my sunglasses and my hair in my bun (that I wear EVERY single day. You think I'm kidding.) and boom..there's my outfit. 

It has been raining every day for the past 17 days (yes, I have been counting…) and I am sort of sick of it. I love the green and the rain, but not every single day for 17 days!!!! It stopped raining this afternoon and the sun came out, so I quickly grabbed T Money and ran outside before it started raining. As many of you know, we just moved and I love our cute little street that we live in. It has such a pretty view! 

Huzzah. Enjoy. 
Sidenote: please be nice. I am by no means a fashion model (you can tell by my super awesome facial expressions). And I feel REALLY uncomfortable in front of the camera for many reasons. :) 

trying to not get my skirt dirty on the road. 

….and the skirt got wet anyway. 

I think I may be pissed at T Money in this picture...

Love my new home, street, and view! 

And don't forget to see how these ladies put their own twist on this outfit. I love seeing's everyone's creativity and own sense of style in these posts. I love participating in these because I get to use that creative side--and I love the uniqueness that it entails. Enjoy! 

Brooke at Silver Lining
Deidre at Deidre Emme
Brooklyn at A Little Too Jolley
Laura at Sincerely, Laura
Kaycie at Redhead Memories 
Kyla at FordOlogy
Ashley at Absolutely Ashley
Tayler at The Morrell Tale
Bonnie at Life of Bon

How would YOU put your own twist on this outfit? 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Real Life: "Down Episodes" of Depression.

I've written about my ten year journey with Clinical Depression on this blog many times. It's been a long time since I've talked about it. This was not purposeful, but simply that this "issue" that I possess does not overtake my life 90% of the time. I try everything in my power to not let this illness define who I am. It simply is a trial that I have been handed, that I have learned, unfortunately, will not go away; this is something that the Lord has handed to me to remind me of my strength.

I was diagnosed at 14. This does not mean I am unstable human being. I am a very happy, successful, stable person. It simply means that I have episodes of deep downs and I have to try everything in my power, with the skills that I have learned, to learn to get out of the "funk", if you will.’

But this is where the difficult part is. I have friends and acquaintances texting, Facebook messaging, and talking to me about this often. People know that this issue is something that I am very open with because it was others' experiences that essentially helped me heal. And here's what I try to tell every single one of them: Every bout of depression will eventually fade if you find things that work for you. And with every bout of depression, I am constantly learning what works for me and you will need to do the same. And here I am, after years, I am still learning about my Depression and all that encompasses it. You would think after ten years of dealing with this, it would get easier, but I assure all of you, it does not. So, this is my life. I am a happy, incredibly lucky person, but my real life involves me dealing with a lot of messy emotions.

Every "down episode" (that's what I will call it for now) feels so different. Sometimes it has to do with my life, sometimes it has nothing to do with my life. Sometimes there is a trial that triggers it, and sometimes it just appears. Every single time I have a Down Episode, it can feel so different. Sometimes, I am angry. Sometimes I feel more helpless. Sometimes I feel more sad. Every time, I am exhausted, though.

I have been in a Down Episode for a few weeks. And I have wished, I have pleaded out loud, in anger and frustration, in excessive humility and brokenness, to feel inner peace. And I can't seem to get it. I swear that I have read every single book, listened to every podcast, talked to multiple therapists,  talked to close friends and family who know me, prayed/read my scriptures, tried every religious encounter, exercised, been out in nature,  and other personal things to help in the past. I have done it all. And let me assure you, sometimes those things don't help. Unfortunately, that's how it works sometimes. You can do everything possible to "feel better" and nothing seems to work. When you are at that crossroads, it's exhausting. It makes you want to throw in the towel and not try anything.

For those of you who want to know what a "down episode" is like…here is an example of everything that I have felt during a depressive episode:
-Excessive Anger. Towards the Lord, towards my husband, towards old friends who have seemed to hurt me, towards myself.
-Extreme Sadness. The kind of sadness where it feels like a dagger is slowly pushing through my heart. Ever been broken-hearted or gone through an ugly break up? It is EXACTLY that feeling, but with no "heartbreak" to blame it on.
-Anxiety: Anxiety attacks, heart racing, heartburns.
-Self Deprecation: belittling myself and thinking horrible things about myself. "I am overweight so I am clearly not good enough, I must be a huge screw up in my life." "I can't do anything, so I don't deserved to be loved by friends and family." "I am not social enough so friends don't reach out to me anymore and want to be my friend." (all legitimate things I have said to myself).
-Exhaustion: Sleep is the only thing that I can mentally do.
-Spontaneity: I want to not think and just do things. I want to go on an adventure, do something random, etc.
-Physical ailments: I've been so down that I have gotten sick. This happens more than you think. Often times, my body just shuts down and my body can't take it.

Everyone's Down Episodes are different, others feel only a few of those, or perhaps even their own unique feelings. But, essentially, that's a simple breakdown.

Sounds ridiculous, huh? Believe me, I know. And even though, logically, I know that my life is wonderful and that I have wonderful aspects about myself, this is what happens.

And it's horrible.
It's absolutely horrible.

It's horrible to sit here, typing this, in sheer agony, and feel my heart breaking in half, and I’m not entirely sure why. To feel so much pain, but I’m not entirely sure how to put it into words because I know that others don’t truly know how I feel.

And even though I want The Big Guy Upstairs to reach down and just physically hug me and tell me that this will be over and that I won't feel this again and take all of my pain away, I know that it won't happen. Because I have been through this agony. I have fought through this pain MANY times in my life. And as alone and lonely, I feel, I know that I will get through. I am a fighter. I am more than this. And this will return. I will fight this illness forever. And others may not understand it, and others may judge you for it, everything will be okay. 

So for those of you who are fighting this with me at this moment, because I know there are so many of you who are, I want to leave with you my mantra I have written down. And even though I don't necessarily believe it at this moment, if I keep faking it until I make it, I know I will come out on top.  And you will too.

You are enough. You are a beautiful, talented, loving, fun, funny, successful woman who has many gifts you still have left to share with the world. You have many people who love you and want you to be happy. You are enough. 

That, my readers, is all I have for you tonight. 
And for now, I sleep. 

What is your mantra? 
What do you do when you want to heal? 

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Beach Life II // Things to Do // Maui

I have so many photos from my trip to Maui. That means you will just have to deal with a few more posts. I know that it may make you all a little envious for a place such as this, but, well, I think you'll survive. 
One of my favorite parts about being on the beach was watching all of my nieces and nephews play. I would dive into the ocean and just swim. I put in my headphones and listened to music or conference talks and checked out from the world. It truly was so freeing to escape from all the stress and chaos in my life (that I wish I could currently get rid of. Ugh.) and just be in my paradise. I love all of these photos. They show so much joy, personality and beauty. 

Location of these photos: Makena Beach (Big Beach) Maui, Hawaii.

I told her to do a 'model face' haha!! 

Racing their 'cars' 

This church and the setting was BEAUTIFUL. I literally sat there and stared at the beauty of it for minutes. Truly stunning. 

Wembley was a little tired! 

Love this photo: My nephew, Dane's, speedo, and the scenery. 

Nona is a babe. 

All the colors! 

Have you ever been to Maui? What are se of your favorite beaches there? What's your favorite picture from this post? 

Monday, May 18, 2015

Beach Life // Things to Do // Maui

Because I was with my entire extended family for a majority of the time in Maui, we spent a large amount of time just on the beach playing with all of my nieces and nephews. One of the most awesome things about Hawaii, especially Maui, is the fact that you can just lay and play on the beach, and be totally, completely content. We had amazing weather while there, so we enjoyed our time thoroughly. 
Location of these photos: Keawakapu Beach 1 in Kihei, Maui. 

I wish the pictures could show the absolutely breathtaking color of the water. 

My niece, Teya, LOVED getting crashed by the waves. She thought it was hilarious. 

My sister, Mckenna, is the cutest pregnant woman ever! 

Wembley was having a rough day. 

Daddy/Daughter talk on the towel. 

All of the Ainge women talking on the beach. (And Paul! ha). 

Lincoln and Thatcher playing catch.