Sierra's View: Word Vomit | An Internal Battle.

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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Word Vomit | An Internal Battle.

My students have this bad habit of speaking everything that comes to mind. Literally. Everything. It's quite annoying. But all of the time I tell them to stop word vomiting over me. That they don't have to say everything they think out loud to the whole class.
But, alas, I am going to word vomit all over y'all.
Hope that's okay.

I've been kind of emotional lately.
It's not the outwardly over-the-top emotional where I cry at every tender thing, kind of emotional. I have been feeling a lot internal struggles recently. Isn't that what a lot of our struggles are, anyway? Internal. Struggles that not many people know about?
 I'm not entirely sure why I have been feeling a lot of feelings. It's not that I am depressed or sad. In fact, I am so incredibly content and happy with where I am in my life. After yesterday's post, I am so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for all of the supportive, kind, thoughtful responses I received. It's amazing what writing from the heart does. It's simply that I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head and heart. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Its simply that I have been weighted, in a way, by these feelings and thoughts.
I can't even begin to tell you where they came from. It's sort of just hit, like a pile of bricks.
And like I stated before, it's not that I am sad. I'm not crying all the time, or mad at someone all of the time, or even bitter to any extent.
I just have been feeling a lot. I feel things very deeply all of the time, but this is different. It's an even deeper feeling. This happens from time to time. And I have found that sometimes it starts with stress and exhaustion. Today I was gone for 13 hours. Ha. And I thought I would have time to do a play! I have this desire and urge to get back on stage; to sing and perform. But right now that's not really an option. I need to savor my energy and put that energy into other things. Right now that is my teaching, my health, my calling and young women, and my relationships.  And I have to remind myself that it's okay. It's okay to not do everything that I want. I have to let some things go, and right now that is going to have to be it. Priorities, baby!
I have recently been feeling sadness because I feel like my effort with friends is completely disregarded. I feel like old friendships are dying, even when I make effort, and that its difficult to make new friends, especially when you're married without kids! I feel like in order for people to socialize with me, I have to do everything, and even when I do, I don't feel like I am treated the way that I should be by friends. And it's disheartening. Tanner said to me other night, "Who's your best friend?" And I almost lost it. Because, even though I have so many amazing friends. I don't have that one best friend. The one who I can call any time about anything. And it makes me sad.
I have recently been feeling angry that I can't seem to get the energy or time to lose this weight that I have been, literally, carrying around.
I have recently been feeling exhausted because I feel like I am constantly on the go. I feel like I am running nine million ways. And they are all good, worthwhile, important things, but alas, I do feel that way.
I have had to make quite a few changes in my lifestyle since summer: with my testimony and religion, with my sleeping and eating habits, with my time management, with my thought processes, with my classroom, with this blog, and much, much more. Change makes me think a lot and that may be a factor. Again, I need to remind myself that it's okay for change to happen. And it's okay to feel the things I do. I am not a weak person for having lots of thoughts and feelings, even if others may not be that way. 
I just have to keep reminding myself to think good thoughts. I am doing so many good things in my life. I am working hard to be better, in all facets. Isn't that what life is all about? 

One of my favorite things to do when I feel this internal battle is go to my Pinterest and scan my Life Quotes, Overcoming, and My Faith Boards and look at some quotes. I find that it gives me perspective on life.
Plus, I am obsessed with quotes. Don't you agree?
Here were some of my favorites this evening:  (yes, I narrowed it down from 50 to like 20. Be proud).





















Sigh.


What are you some of your favorite quotes?
Do you find that quotes help you in your life? 
Do you ever have periods of time like this? 

8 comments:

  1. I'm loving these blog posts!!!! I've missed them!

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  2. I love all these quotes! Also, I agree with Alyssa. I have seriously been missing "these" kinds of posts. These are YOU and it makes me love them even more. Straight from the heart. LOVE YOUUU

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  3. I miss having friends and especially that "one best friend". I think I am thinking of how my friendships were back in high school and I tend to forget that I am out of high school and living a totally different life! I need to carter friendships around my new life, work school, marriage, and now a freaking baby! (Yikes) We need to remind ourselves that we can't always be available like we used to be and we have responsibilities - which can be lame - that come first. Being married is amazing but your friendships can take a toll and it can be hard realizing that.
    I seriously want to cry because I don't have friends, yes I have "blogging friends", but not a real friend, ja feel? I can be a big baby about it because a girl needs friends!

    Don't be too hard on yourself with your weight, you look fabulous, regardless what the world standers are of being "fabulous"! Just focus on being healthy, whatever that means to you. Staying on top of your metal health, eating healthy, going on walks, cardio 30 mins a day, etc. Stay focused in your health and what you need because that's what will help you be happy and healthy!!! C:

    Sorry, I too, just had an episode of word vomit. :3 (I didn't proof read this so hopefully it all makes sense)

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  4. i love these blog posts especially the inspirational messages

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  5. Yesterday in class we were talking about Erikson's Eight Stages of Development and the time frame that is Identity vs. Inferiority/Confusion which happens during adolescence, and although I think the Intimacy vs. Isolation definitely relates to early adulthood, I almost feel like those of us in our early 20's, still fit into the Inferiority/Confusion category because we've moved on from high school and so many changes happen that we are forced to find out who we really are, what we really want from life and who our true friends are going to be. It's so hard when those that you feel the closest to and have been friends with your entire life are all of the sudden not your friends anymore!

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  6. I have just been ... feeling ... a lot recently. The other day, I had this complete breakdown. I know that what I'm doing with my life right now (quitting my job, focusing on my health, writing all the time, etc.) is what's right. God has shown me it is what's right. But I still have so many feelings about all of it. Grief at losing my old life. Anger and sadness and despair at my body for what it's doing to me. Complete and total fear for my future. And so much more. We have to feel these things - these feelings are what make us human. So feel and express yourself with word vomit if you need to. This is YOUR space!

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  7. I don't even know you and I want to hug you! We are so much alike! I'd be your best friend! I know so much how you feel with the friend thing. I am living a lifestyle right now where I am traveling and trying very hard to keep in touch with my friends back home but it seems like their lives and our friendships are just getting more and more distant and that makes me so sad!

    I so agree with your writting about pinterest quotes! You should see my quote board it probably has double the amount of pins then my regular boards, I love the way quotes can say things that you can form the words for! It's like music, it has a way of speaking to your heart!

    Props to you for being able to put all of this into words! You go girl! I will definitly be following you!

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