Sierra's View: September 2013

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Instagram Life Update

So, I have done a very poor job on updating you all on my life. Obviously, you all know that I got married (what?! Big shocker there!) but believe it or not, I have had other things happening too. So I want to update you on the amazing, exciting life of Sierra Ainge Charlesworth. (Still weird that that's my name now...) Sidenote: I have a middle name now! Yay! 

Come follow on Instagram to catch up! I

-Went to the ever controversial Utah/BYU game. I love college football. It was the worst game known to man, in all facets, but it was just fun to go watch some football with my husband! (I may or may not have yelled...a lot)

-Finding the many joys of teaching 6th grade. It is so different than 4th grade. I am talking an entirely new experience. The kids are way sassier and care way too much about social life. But it's fun to challenge them and be able to kind of speak to them like "little adults." They crack me up on a daily basis. 

I'm married now. A married mormon wife. WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO DECORATE. (That's how it works, right?) Ha. No, I love my fall decorations! 

On my birthday in September, Tanner came to my class and wrote a song about me with my students. I was totally shocked (and kind of embarrassed :)) but it was so sweet and the kids loved it. I loved it too!

-I am still getting used to Mrs. Charlesworth. 

I am so beyond exhausted. With teaching, exercising, blogging stuff, choir, and newly married life...I feel like this every single morning. Ha. Oh, and I spend a lot of time on Pinterest.

-Tanner and I never see each other during the week (no, really, never) so when he doesn't work on Fridays, we have date nights. It is tradition to try a new restaurant in Utah on our date nights. Last week, we went to an amazing Peruvian restaurant in Sandy. We were the only white people there; and I was the only one who didn't speak spanish. But the food was amazing and the atmosphere was so fun. I wanted to get up and dance and sing with the Peruvians! 

I dream about having a pet. But up until today (yucky snow weather!! nooo! It's not even October yet!) I spent many fall afternoons grading and taking naps on a blanket outside. This is one where BB, my in laws kitty, actually cuddled with me. Yes, I love cats. Judge me, I dare you. 

Went to a blogging party last night. I'm going to be completely honest, I normally hate these things. But this one was so fun because I got to bond with some ladies that I truly love and met some awesome new bloggers. 

Over Labor Day weekend (yes, finally posting about Labor Day) we went down to Cedar City and stayed with some really good family friends. We spent some time in St. George hiking. It was so fun! (And it reminded me how out of shape I am!) I want to go down there and hike some more. 

Well, in a nutshell, that's what's been happening.
Catch ya on the flip side.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Healthy Habits Challenge

This picture has nothing to do with the post. I just love it. This is a picture from my wedding day. The Wedding Series will be back soon, with more photos! This is a photo of  me and my beautiful siblings. Yep, I'm the only blonde in my family. One of these is unlike the other. And no, I am not adopted. (Why can't I be as skinny as my brother? What's up with that?! hahaha. JK Lanny.)

More like Healthy Habits Hell. (sorry mom)
Ha juuuust kidding.
Just recently, I have started a Healthy Habits Challenge with two of my sisters and some of their friends.
This is how it works: Everyone puts in 20 dollars and the person with the most points AND the person who lost the most weight after 9 weeks gets the money.
So far, it has been really hard. To be honest, it's not even that hard of a challenge, but for some reason, I  keep forgetting that I need to eat more vegetables, or I don't drink enough water. It's those little things that are killing me.
I was a bit wishy washy at first. It started on my birthday two weeks ago and I HAD to have desserts then (duh), and then things got crazy busy and I was distracted. But, alas, I am back on the wagon! I know that I am not fat. But, this has been good for me to get incentive to lose the weight that has come about through all the stress in my life and the stupid birth control in the past few months.
It also is reminding me to do the other important little things that make a big difference such as scripture reading, saying my prayers, writing in my journal, etc. Sometimes I am so exhausted at night that those are the last things that I want to do, but I know that I need to do them. And this sort of challenge has been just the thing to kick my butt in gear, especially since I tend to be very inconsistent in those things. (gasp! I'm such a bad mormon!)
Here are the challenges. You get one point a day for doing each of them:

o Eat six servings of vegetables or fruits, but at least three have to be vegetables.
o 10 Minutes of Scripture study
o 30 minutes of exercise per day
o Journal daily
o Don't eat junk (we get to choose what "junk" means to us--I have taken out fast food).
o Eat breakfast within an hour of waking
o No eating after 8 p.m.
o Get 7-9 hours of sleep (no more, no less)
o Say personal prayers twice daily
o Eight glasses of non-carbonated, sugar free drink per day

I have made some other personal goals to go along with this challenge:
*Lose 12 pounds by the end of the challenge.
*Go to yoga at least 2x a week and the gym at least 2x a week (preferably more since I get points for exercise more! Just setting realistic goals).
*Soda only 3 times a week.

I know that I am not going to look like I did when I graduated high school (don't we all wish we could though?) but I am trying to get healthier so I FEEL better about myself. That's what is most important. From my post on inadequacy, I am trying everything possible to get my confidence back up and I feel like this will help in that.
Here's to progression!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I Hate Feelings of Inadequacy.

In my classroom, I have these things called "Swear Words." No, they are not actual swear words. If the kids say those words, they go straight to the principal's office. But I have "Swear Words" that they can't say. Words such as: "This is stupid." "This is so hard." "I give up."  And, "I hate this." 

Normally, I don't like those words. But in this post, I will be using it a lot. Because right now, I am feeling a lot of hatred toward all of the inadequacy I have been feeling in my life.
You see, recently, I have been feeling an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.
And to be honest, most of it has stemmed from my own insecurities and struggles.
But even when I have tried many things to not feel so inadequate; to not feel so insecure, I feel like I get shot down. Somehow, no matter what I do, I end up feeling inadequate in what I do. And I hate it.

I think it is time to finally rid myself of this incredibly painful and exhausting struggle. Getting it out into the "world"and receiving feedback is a way of dealing and coping for me. So, alas, I have gotten over my pride and I vent.

You see, I hide a lot in. Most of my struggles are very internal and deep in my life. And because these struggles tend to be so inward, no one in my "outside" life is even aware. Plus, I don't share a lot about myself with others about my daily life. I talk a lot, yes. However, I don't talk about the inner workings of my life to others. I need to feel very safe and very comfortable in order to share this information with someone else. Because of that, not many people know or understand the emotions that go through my head and heart on a daily basis. (hate all of those emotions that I feel by the way. Which I was more even-keel).

I have struggled with clinical depression since I was 14. I have taken every medication known to man to deal with anxiety and depression. I went to therapy for years. It is, unfortunately, a huge part of me. No, it does not define who I am. But it is something that I deal with often. What people don't understand about my kind of depression is that it never really leaves. It's hard to explain. That doesn't mean I am never happy or I never have awesome days. It just means, that no matter what, I will come back "down" and feel these intense emotions. Usually, it happens in some sort of cycle. I want to say it happens in like three month cycles. For three months I'll feel amazing and then my body, physically, and emotionally will just shut down every few months. And friends, I HATE dealing with depression. I HATE that it's my trial. And I hate that it is a test that the Lord has given me. It doesn't mean I'm not going to work at it, but I still hate it. And I think that's okay to feel that way.

Side note: I want you all to remember that just because I deal with depression does not mean I am always unhappy. It just means that it's a trial that I have to manage and be aware of every single day of my life. Like most of us, some days are great and some days are bad. My lows are just lower than the average person. 

Now, for me, stress and change are HUGE triggers for my depression. I hate change. And, well, this year, included some of the biggest "changes" in my life thus far. My whole world has changed. Completely. This year, I: Have a new job--teaching a new grade, at a new school, in a new district. I have a new (well, uh, first) husband. I have a new apartment. I have a new ward. Which means I have to get a lot "new" things: some new friends, new everyday shopping, new ways to cope with marriage and the everyday workings of married life.

I don't do well with change. And those things, my friends, are A LOT of new changes all within a matter of two months. And to be frank, it has been very hard.

Which, then has led me to this: immense feelings of inadequacy.
Which, I, you guessed it, hate.
I would say, in my experience that inadequacy is very parallel to depression.  

It is hard for me to say this, but I am going to. I can honestly say that I feel very inadequate with most things in my life right now. And I don't know if it's just the fact that I have all of these changes happening or my birth control or it's just another "low point", but as I lay awake last night after hours of crying, analyzing my life, that's how I felt. I felt inadequate. In all facets. How sad, huh? Guess what? I hate feeling this way. But I do. And how I feel is simply how I feel.

I feel like an inadequate wife. I hate cooking so I don't do it often. I am a full time teacher which means I am a wife with a full time job. Which means I spend a lot of my time at my school. I feel like I have inadequate time. I am so emotional all of the time and my poor husband is probably questioning who this crazy cryer is who he married. I think that he thinks that he wishes he didn't marry me because of my issues that come up :( (I know, I know.) I look at all of these women around me (stupid Utah) and am reminded how inadequate of a wife I am.

I feel inadequate in my social life. I try to put myself out there: in my new ward, in the new area, and I feel so different than all of these women around me. I get shut down by the numerous amount of cliques in the area that I live. I feel like I'm trying to push myself into friendships. And it's hard. All of my old friends, I feel, to be honest, have completely abandoned me. (Which happens after marriage, I have realized). And it just reiterates the inadequacy I tend to feel in my social groups. I think to myself, "Does anyone even notice me? Does anyone care?"  I hate that I feel inadequate and not loved by my friends.

I feel inadequate in my body. I look at myself in the mirror and it makes me sad. And I HATE that. I am not even big. I just hate that I feel that way. And to be very honest, I hate that the world we live in has made it so that I feel that way. I feel fat and ugly because every single woman around me, especially here in Utah is a size 2. How else am I supposed to feel when I look around and I'm the biggest girl in the circle? Why? Why do I allow society to dictate how I feel about my body? I hate that.

You get the picture.

And so, I do everything I can to make this inadequacy turn into greatness. I really do: positive self talk, exercise, etc. But it doesn't go away. And I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired all of the time (name that song) and just basically surviving through life. I want to enjoy it. I want to feel great about myself (like I always have before recently!).

That is what is so hard for me. I have never struggled with confidence. And this is one of the first times in my life that I am struggling with who I am and my strengths. I hate that NOW I am struggling with these things.

So, dear friends, This is where you come in.
Obviously, as you can tell, from this post, this is not the way I know I should feel. Because I haven't felt this until at this point of my life. Clearly, I don't like feeling this way. And the things that I have been doing aren't working. So. I call to you.

What do you do to make yourself feel wonderful?
How do I stop comparing myself to others?
What advice do you have?
Am I the only who feels this way??

And for now, I tell myself in the mirror every morning: You are a beautiful, talented, wonderful person. You affect others' lives positively and you make a difference. One day it will sink in :) 

Monday, September 9, 2013

Some gooey, sappy, cheese ball words for the birthday girl!!!

So... I'm Tanner, Sierra's super cool husband. Today is her birthday so I have a few words I'd like to say about her. (sappy, cheesy, gooey words too!)

Sierra is,well, as many of you know, one of a kind! She is my favorite person ever! I don't say that only because she is my wife. I married her because she is the coolest person in the world. I mean, how many other girls would sit there and argue with someone over a Celtic's game? (and totally know what she's talking about) or beg for us to go on fun trips like hiking Zion's?

Do I even need to mention how gorgeous she is?.. hmmmmm yeah I think I do.
I love her long hair! Yes, it gets every where. I am constantly pulling it off of me or my clothes or out of the drain, but its so worth it cause its so pretty on her.

Her smile and laugh pretty much go together. Those of you that have the pleasure of knowing Sierra in person know exactly what I am talking about! Its the Sierra laugh. No one else has it, and everyone can hear it!! Its contagious and her smile is incredible it makes everyone else around her smile. It seriously is one of my favorite things about her.

I could keep going on how pretty she is, how good she smells and la de da de da!.... but I think I will talk about some other things.

She is an amazing teacher. I have been able to see her teach on a few occasions and she has got that touch! She is such a natural at being a teacher. Everyone loves her! Students, parents, the other staff members; she is just a top notch teacher and a person!

Sierra LOVES to travel. She is always planning and telling me about our future trips. Many of you are thinking, "Well everyone talks about those trips and they never happen!" Not with her. When she says we are going to California, or Dominican Republic, or Africa, or etc...She means it! We will get there.
She loves adventures and learning new things about different cultures. We ALWAYS have a really good time when we are together, whether it is driving to California or just up the canyon for a hike, she is just a blast to be around!

Another thing, she writes this blog. She is a stinkin' good writer. She has so many talents and one of them happens to be writing! I love reading her blog (maybe not the bachelorette series though).

Sierra really makes me want to be a better person and do greater things and better things. She does everything possibly to achieve that, as well. She does not let me slack off or slide by with mediocrity. Ahe really helps me see my potential and live up to it. She is the most important person in my life. I love her more than anything, and would do anything for her! Sierra is amazing, she is an independent self-driven, motivated, strong willed, wont take crap kinda woman and I love her! She has this way of feeling things so deeply. She never would intentionally hurt someone in a million years. She takes every relationship in her life seriously and works hard at all of them. She is strong but sweet, funny and so sexy! I love Sierra, I love every little thing about her! She is my wife! How did I get so lucky? Over three years ago we met, and now look at us! Sierra, You are my everything and I owe so much to you. Here is to many more years together! I love you!!!