Sierra's View: Thoughts.

BlogHer Header

Saturday, May 19, 2012


....yea, I know.
But I need to write. 
Beware of jumbled thoughts. 

I am strong. (bring in inspirational girl motto song)
But, I am also extremely sensitive.
 I feel things too deeply. I'm beginning to think this is a curse.
I recently wrote a post on how I wish, more than anything, that I was more consistent.
I was driving today (I do that when I need to think) and I broke into tears.
It was soon followed by me talking to myself out loud. I think I was hoping someone, some higher power, was listening.
It was ironic because it was as if I was being reminded that I will never be anywhere near consistent. My emotions, my thoughts, are too everywhere. And that is one of the most aggravating things ever.
I HATE dealing with this sadness. I hate it. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Can I just be happy for longer than two weeks? Please?
This week has been a hard week.
It was hard to get out of bed.
And the most frustrating part about it is that it's beautiful weather outside.
While I was driving, I saw little kids playing baseball at a local park.
I envied them.
I saw some girl around my age walking with her mom.
I envied her.
I saw a couple having a picnic.
I envied them.
I want to be a kid. I want to have no worries and just play. I want to go on a walk with my mom. I want to go home to beautiful Oregon and be around people who just get me. I want to have a picnic with that special someone. It seems as though everyone around me has that somebody. And I'm left here. Alone.

It's a lonely process. It's a lonely time. In the midst of these "down" weeks, it's lonely. Its the cliche idea that "even in a big group of people, I still feel all alone."
I realized, today, how much time I spend alone. Yes, I am around people at school and roommates and friends, but I truly am alone a lot. And although I HAVE to have my "me" time, it gets lonely doing everything alone.
It gets lonely when you don't make any effort with people and yet, you receive no phone calls. People expect me to make all of the effort. Why is this fair?
It gets lonely when you know you should go out and be with people, but you also don't have the energy to put a smile on your face.
I don't want to explain myself for being sad. But, then I don't want people to think differently or badly of me if I am.
 It's a catch 22. I know I should be with people. I want to be with people. But I don't know what to say or how to act. My world becomes so selfish, so small in these moments. I know that I should go out and try to ignore these feelings. But sometimes it takes more effort to ignore it than to absorb its presence.
Is any of this making sense?
I have so many thoughts in my head, but I cannot seem to get them out to anyone. It always ends up being childish or confusing, so I just choose not to explain it.

I know that things aren't as big of deal as they seem.
They never do.
I usually end up on top.
But that doesn't make it any easier while being in the moment.
I am a very confident person, but when I struggle with all of this, it takes a toll on my self worth. How can it not, ya know?

I'm bored.
Don't get me wrong. I am doing 834930 things. Going to full time school and planning a classroom takes an excess amount of work. But I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like I'm not doing anything of real worth. 
I feel stuck.
I want to go do exciting things. I want to do something great.
But it just seems like everything in my life is so boring; it has no worth. 

It is so hard to not go to LDC and have a family to bring you up every single day. It's hard to not have that spiritual  boost. I think I'm taking leaving LDC a little more difficult than I realize. I am completely closing the past three years of my life--and I think that it's hard to close that chapter. LDC literally saved my life. It changed me for the better. Now what?

I don't feel like I have anyone to go and do things with.
I want to be spontaneous.
I truly do want to go do things, but when I think of someone to call, no one comes to mind.
I need something to spruce up my life a little bit. To make it more exciting. I need adventures. I need connections with people. And i'm not getting that from anywhere right now.

Apathy has sort of taken over. It's as if I feel so many things that I choose to feel nothing.
It sounds silly but I have a carefree attitude because I feel, maybe, somehow, the apathy will get rid of the pain.
 I hate crying.
It's almost as though a wave comes over and I can't stop the cycle. 
So I try not to cry. 
I am frustrated because I feel like I cannot control it. And I hate being that girl. I never want anyone to think of me as that dramatic girl. 
What scares me the most is the fact that I fear that I will ruin every relationship because of all of this.

Whenever I start feeling strong; no matter what I do, I somehow end up feeling weak and just...sad...eventually.
I'm tired. I'm physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Sometimes I don't have the energy or stamina to keep doing all of this. 
Because here's the truth about me when I'm dealing: When I feel upset inside, I become upset with others. I become upset with everything around me.

I love people.
But I also hate them.
 I love so many people with all of my heart, so I want to see them succeed; particularly when I don't feel like I am in my life. 
I guess I just want people to see their weakness, like I see mine. I am so very aware of myself. Why can't others be that way? Work on their weaknesses. It's easy for me to be a target to make fun of because I'm willing to work on it. I want others to figure their crap out too. How come my issues seem so apparent? Or do they really? How come mine are put out to the entire world to see? While others can't even look in the mirror and see their own?

I have had to learn to accept that I will feel these things. I will overanalyze. I will think a lot. I will feel. A lot. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just learning to take those negative experiences and turn them into positive ones.

I also have noticed something. I think I see myself differently than others do. In fact, recently, others have classified me as:
very put together
Why? Why am I allowing myself to only see the negative in myself? Which one am I really? Am I really all of those good things that other say? Or do I just put on a facade? Or is it just inside that is a consistent battle?

"You're doing better than you think you are."
My brother said that to me in a blessing the other month.
This quote is by my bed.
 I think this is a perfect answer to my above questions.

Bet you didn't know all of this was going on in my mind, huh? Haha. 
See, that's the funny thing. I come across as very put together. And I am. I just analyze. A lot. Clearly. Ha.
I won't lie, guys. It feels good to get that out. It's therapeutic. 
Ya know?

You know the best part?
Tomorrow is a new day.


  1. LIfe, it's hard. It's easy.. The wave of it all, riding it currently.. and today while on the phone with my best friend I said, I just need to be more grateful.. blah blah blah blah...

    YOU KNOW!?!??!

  2. girl my heart broke for you reading this... i have been there. its depression. im sure you realize that... have you talked to anyone... i know its hard. all those things you are feeling, i have been there. if you have time., read this... i wrote it after a long 3-4 years of depression...and still struggling with it from time to time...
    i dedicate it to you...i dont know you, just plopped over to your site, and was brought in immediately, as we all are when we can relate... you are beautiful...
    and priceless...
    here is one more i wrote kind of my soul baring on feeling as you feel now.. i know sometimes it helps to know someone understand... i do...
    email me if you wanna talk. i know you dont know me from adam, but nevertheless...i am here =)

  3. I see you Sierra. I see you. You are worthy, Sierra. You are worthy. Your heart Sierra. Is your heart. It's okay, Sierra. It's okay.

  4. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone. You are doing great things- you are an amazing person! Don't waste time comparing yourself to anyone else because everyone does things at their own pace. When you are meant to figure all of this out-- you will! Have patience! I'll be praying for you. xo :)

  5. :::hugs::: because it seemed like you needed some. :)

  6. Reading this was so hard because i have felt this way so often this year! how is it that we are able to put on a smile and make people think that we are confident and care free, when really we desperately feel alone? I wish I had an answer, but I really don't. it's a constant challenge. if you ever need anything for reals let me know. i can be that person you call!

  7. I wish you better days. Been there, done that. Love this post - every word. I am now a follower, friend. :) ::hugs:: xoxo

  8. Sierra, it's freaky how much I can relate to this post and how everything you said is exactly how I've been feeling the past couple days, down to not having a friend to do stuff with, and the fact that I'm pretty sure other people don't see me how I see me. Imagine being in Disney World and having free access to the parks, but never going to the parks because you don't have anyone to go with you? Sucks. I like what you wrote in your other post though. I keep hearing "Life was not meant to be easy."


Leave some love!