Sierra's View: Alright, So...

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Alright, So...

I really really REALLY do not want to be one of those girls who is constantly "figuring things out."
Do you know what I mean? 
You know, one of those girls who is pensive every second.every hour.every day. The one who analyzes every person and every situation because "everything happens for a reason." (Because, quite frankly, this life doesn't work like that. Sometimes things just happen.  For example, when someone decides to be mean... it's because they have decided to be mean. That's it.)
But, alas, I have started to be come that girl. Due to certain circumstances and exceptionally uncontrollable emotions, I have become quite fragile and quite...stuck
Let me explain. 
Things have been kind of hard recently. Because of all these deaths, I think it triggered some other aspects of my life. 
When you deal with hardships, especially with death, you not only grieve for the loss of that person, but also for the others around you. You also grieve for the loss of what is missing in your life. And I think I have realized the lack of many aspects in my life. 
I will not go into much detail regarding what I feel is missing, but it's been a process that has enlightened me. There are some things that I definitely need to work on. There are some things that I need to go and do in order to get out of this "rut." 
This entire process seems like a positive one, right? I am finding my "inner self" and now can move forward and work on it.
Well, although the above statement true, it has been quite the battle. 
It is lonely, hard, and tiring. 
I walk into my apartment and my roommates completely disregard me. Is it because I don't make the initial effort? Probably. Because heaven knows, it's not as much fun to be around someone who is figuring out some hardships. Welcome to college. 
I have family members, that amidst this conflict, I won't hear from for weeks, even months if I don't make the effort. 
But I'm not going to go into that right now. Ha.

It's been quite awakening to realize what happens you stop making the effort.
I have been divulging this experiment. I attempt to not say hi first. To not start conversation. Essentially, stop being Sierra. Ha. 
Call me cynical. Call me bitter. Call me angry. 
But that is sort of what I had to do. I have, honestly, stopped making effort to see "who steps up their game."
And, let me tell you, it's been very interesting.
And exponentially lonely. 
Don't worry, I will not do this forever. But it's very eye opening to see who sticks around when things aren't peachy. Unfortunately, sometimes you need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself. Because if you cannot be happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with others. Simple as that. 

But, enough of this negative stuff. I really did not want this blog to be an emo one. I just thought I'd share with you some of my scattered thoughts. What do you think? Do you think I expect too much from people? Do you think people just don't know how to respond, so instead they don't do anything? Do you think I should stop being so analytical and emotional? I do. Haha. 

In my 4th grade class the other day, I noticed something.
None of the kids have cliques. It's the most amazing thing. 
I realized, that in spite of their differences, I have not heard one kid make an awfully mean comments to one other. I have heard some somewhat rude remarks, but nothing that just kills my insides. It is incredible. It gave me hope.
If 4th graders can do that, can't we? 

Thanksgiving part: On a completely other note, I am so grateful for music. 
I learn so much about myself, about life, and about the Savior through my playlists on my Ipod, LDC, and life story songs.
"Music is the only that makes sense anymore. Play it loud for everyone to hear."
-Across the Universe

When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.
I am trying my hardest to choose the third one. That's the hardest one though, huh?


  1. love you. again, blogger needs a like button.

  2. Ok. I love your blog. I love the way you write.

    I find it so interesting to hear you talk about stepping back and seeing what happens and who sticks around. Doing that very experiment has been on my mind the past few days. I find I am always so available to do whatever people want. I'll drop anything as soon as someone says hey. I'll put off things I should do for me, myself and I for things that other people want. I'm not saying that doing this is always wrong or that it should never be done. But I do need to spend some time on me. Rediscover myself. Redefine myself.

    I'm rambling. I just wanted to say thanks for posting! It is nice to know others have similar experiences and thoughts!

  3. First off: I love that your comments are called love notest.

    Second: Dear girl, I think sometimes you expect too much of yourself. I don't see you as a girl who is always figuring stuff out. I see you as a strong person who has been put into a very, very tough situation, one that isn't going to go away just like that. Yes, try to be your best self, BUT--don't do it at the expense of healing. Dunno if that makes any sense or if it applies at all...

    Third: Please tell me if I need to do something different. I want to be there for you! Promise. I love you, you are one of my greatest examples, and one of my dearest friends. Not to mention kindred pin-sisters. ;)

  4. Going through stages of trying to "figure things out" can be rough.


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