Sierra's View: Holland Kay.

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Monday, October 24, 2011

Holland Kay.

I am going to try to make it through this without crying.

My dear niece, Holland Kay Cottle, passed away Saturday morning from SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
She was two months old.

My sister, Lexie, happened to be visiting her in laws in Utah when it happened, so I was given the opportunity to be with her this weekend.
I have not cried this hard in a long time.
Death seems to be a constant occurrence in my life currently, huh?
It is in times like these that I am at a loss for words. Words cannot seem to convey the heartache, tears, and emotional distress during these kinds of experiences.
However, it is also in times like these where I am SO grateful for the plan of salvation and that I will be able to see that girl again someday.

That little girl was so special. So special, in fact, that she only needed to come to this earth for two months just to get a body. And the Savior trusted my beautiful, strong sister to fulfill that role.

Holland's delivery, in itself, was a spiritual experience. I felt a special connection and bond because I was in the delivery room with her. I knew there was something special about her the day she was born. My connection with her will continue--I can already feel her around me, guiding me to make better decisions. She will guide each of us, in my family, to be better people so we can make it back to her.
I ache for my sister. I wish, more than anything, that I could take her pain away.
Despite the agony, I am so grateful for the Atonement. How lucky I am to have that knowledge that the Lord knows how my sister is feeling, how my parents and the rest of my family are feeling, and how I am feeling. I am so thankful for the power of this gospel. I ache so much for my sister and for death in general. But I know that this will make me and my family stronger. The Lord knows of my sister's strength. He is aware of everything that is going on.
One of the most wonderful doctrines of Christ is that little infants are received into God’s presence immediately. They become angels to God, comforting us that mourn and will receive their exaltation in due time with us. It amazes me how much we begin to understand life as we begin to experience death.

“Death…evokes pangs of sorrow and shock among those left behind.  The hurt is real.  Only its intensity varies… Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love.  It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.”  (D&C 42:45)…The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.”
Death has a funny way of bringing those you love closer together. It unites families and allows them to strengthen their own relationships.
Death, also, brings out emotions that I never knew existed. My body is existed. I feel like I weigh 500 pounds. One minute I am doing okay and the next, I feel like I am going to fall apart.
Amidst the trial, I am so lucky to have met that perfect little girl and hold her the whole night before.

“I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."

Thank you so much for the outpouring of love and support you have all given to me and my family, particularly Lexie and Nick, during this difficult time. We can definitely feel your strength and prayers. I am so grateful for the knowledge of this gospel and to know that Holland is in such a wonderful place. We love and miss her so much. I am so grateful for the knowledge of eternal families.
Lexie and Nick, I love you so much. You are amazing people.
Holland, look out for us down here, okay? You are our perfect angel. Say hello to Meme, Grandma Kay, Kendall, and Mary Lou for us. 


  1. "It amazes me how much we begin to understand life as we begin to experience death. " Inspired Sierra.
    This was very beautiful and touching. My heart goes out to you and above all your sister and her husband.

  2. Leaving my love for you and your family. You are amazing and so strong. so glad you are in our lives.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. Death is so difficult to deal with. I'll be praying for you and your family.

  4. I am so sorry to hear this! Death is one of the hardest things we have to deal with in this life. She will be your guardian angel now. You and your family are in my prayers.

  5. The gospel really is the only thing that makes those moments bearable. I loved your post and your expressions about love, family, and the Atonement. Hang in there. You are in my prayers.

  6. awww Sierra...I understand a little bit of what you are going through. My four year old cousin was killed a few years ago and it is AMAZING what you experience and feel. All I can say is that time in my whole family's life was SO special and full of miracles. It can be hard...but it will also be something you will never forget spiritually. LOVE you and praying for you all!

  7. Sierra,

    As always you express yourself so beautifully. Thank your sharing your thoughts and your testimony. I love you and your family. You are all in my prayers.


  8. This is a beautiful heartfelt tribute to Holland, Lexie and Nick, your family, and the Savior's great Plan of Happiness. Thank you for expressing your testimony in such a humble manner for all the world to see. Our thoughts and prayers reach out to your wonderful eternal family.

  9. I went to high school and seminary with Lexie and my family is in the LO ward.

    These words are so beautiful. Your testimony shines through them and while you're relying on your testimony right now for strength, it takes such a strength to stand up and share yours with the world in such a painful time. Thank you for your faith.

    We will continue to keep Lexie, Nick, Briz and all the Ainges and Cottles in our family's prayers. I'm so grateful that you all have each other to rely on. You're all a beautiful family and I'm so deeply, profoundly sorry for your loss.

  10. Oh, Sisi. You are so strong. I really admire you.

    Please know that I'm praying for you and for your family, especially your sister and her husband. Love you, sister-friend. If you need anything at all, let me know, okay?

  11. This is so very sad, but Holland will be in your hearts - always. I found comfort in the Victor Frankl quote:

    "We cannot judge a biography by its length, by the number of pages in
    it; we must judge by the richness of the contents. Sometimes
    the "unfinished" are among the most beautiful symphonies."

    May you find your strength in each other, and hold fast to the memories,

    Galyn Metcalf

  12. Such a sweet post, Sierra. I am so heartbroken for Lexie. I hate that she has to go through this.

    "That little girl was so special. So special, in fact, that she only needed to come to this earth for two months just to get a body. And the Savior trusted my beautiful, strong sister to fulfill that role." ...these thoughts are so true. In fact, I have had these same thoughts about Holland and Lexie. Your sister is an amazing person. Give her a hug from me. I wish I could be there this weekend.

  13. Si, I'm so sorry for your loss, AGAIN. That is so heartbreaking. The gospel brings such great joy in times like these. Praying for you. I can't even imagine going through something like that. :( Love you girl.


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